Branching away from the boob!

My little girl is growing up too quickly!

Last night we gave her baby cereal for the first time EVER!

After the paediatrician visit and finding out that Emmeline is underweight, I didn’t want to wait a second longer than necessary and as Yaincoa goes to him mom on Monday, I want to try to give her food before he left so that he could be part of it all. The problem was that the doctor told me that Emmeline should eat a 180 – 210ml mixture. So I bought the continuation milk but I really didn’t want to give it to her, so I decided to express milk to mix that with the cereal, that way she would also have a familiar taste! Well, I expressed and expressed and froze up about 140ml and then had about 60ml in the fridge. But stupid me forgot to defrost the milk in the freezer, so in the end there was only a tiny bit of my milk and lot of other continuation milk. Boo. I decided to mix it all up and put it in the bottle as I didn’t quite fancy doing the whole bath time routine and then chuck a bib in Emmeline, put her in her chair and try feed her and then try put her to bed. The problem with this option though is the fact that Emmeline has only ever drunk out of a bottle about 3 times in her whole life so it was all new to her. We had been giving the bottle to her with water and she is getting better, but she seems to enjoy chewing the bottle much more than actually drinking from it! So needless to say, I was not overly hopeful about our first venture into solid food territory.

So there we were, Emmeline bathed, moisturised, blow dried and dressed in her pyjamas. I cradled her in my arms and she automatically tried to burrow her way through my sweater to find her food source. ‘No, no, no, not tonight!’ I put the bottle in her mouth and she pushed it straight back out. I tried again and this time she chewed away on the teat and by doing so some of the milk sprayed out, so she got a good taste. She paused and looked up at me as if to say ‘is this ok mommy?’ I gave her my biggest smile and encouraged her to drink more feeling total relief, amazement and wonder at all of this. She drank a little more pulled a face and boycotted the bottle. Every time I tried to put it in her mouth to drink she looked away or closed her mouth. So I decided to try something new. I got Xavi to bring Emmeline’s new princess bowl and spoon and I put some of the milk in there and decided to try to feed her with the spoon. She seemed a little shocked by this as if she was thinking ‘hmm, mommy is putting the spoon in my mouth AND it has food on it!’ I put the first spoonful in her mouth and it all just dribbled out of her mouth and onto her bib. The same thing happened the second and third time and I started to wonder how you teach your baby to swallow. I even did the whole ‘one spoon for mommy, one spoon for baby’ thing, swallowing each time and showing her my empty mouth. Baby cereal does not taste that bad actually, kind of sweet! Eventually Emmeline seemed to swallow a bit more and again I started to feel a glimmer of hope that this may be easy, she may eat all her cereal, I may get a halfway decent night’s sleep! Then her mouth started to close up, her head started to turn away and her face started to look like I was putting lemons down her throat and not sweet cereal. I guessed that meal time was over. Away went all the bowls and bibs and spoons, out cam e the boobs, and my girl emptied me out!

Well, I guess that tomorrow could be the day that Emmeline suddenly realises that cereal is great and she devours the whole lot . . . . Oh who am I kidding?!

Underweight Baby Emmeline

Oh dear me.

So we went to the paediatrician today for Emmeline’s 6 month visit. I thought that everything was fine except for the fact that she has had gastro/diarhea or about 12 days (she is slowly recovering and is having fewer poo’s). She was supposed to have her 6 month vaccinations but since she was still sick, the paediatrician said that she couldn’t get her vaccinations. I am not surprised at all! Not because Emmeline is sick if not for the fact that we have had one problem or the other every single time that we have had to get vaccinations! It has been a nightmare and also quiet funny looking back on the whole experience! So no vaccinations, no surprise!

I explained to the paediatrician that as Emmeline had been sick and pooing so much, I could feel that she had lost weight. I told her that I did not know exactly how much, but I could feel and I could see that she had lost weight. The paediatrician put Emmeline on the scale and was a bit shocked. Emmeline now weighs less than she did at 4 months! She weighed 6.250 kg’s (13.8 pounds) at four months and today she weighs 6.150 kg’s (13.6 pounds)!! And she has only grown 1 cm in 2 months! I asked if that was because she had 12 days of pooing so much. The doctor explained that that would account for some of the weight loss, but not for all of it. She asked if I still have milk. Yes, I do. She said that it could be that I either don’t have too much milk, or that I have the quantity but not the quality, or maybe Emmeline has a very high metabolism (her daddy does, so maybe?), but she did appear to be a bit concerned about it. It would also explain why she has only grown 1 cm on 2 months (and perhaps why she is still wearing 0-3 month’s shoes and clothing)! We are about to start on solids, so she has given me the little menu of what to introduce and when and has schedule a control of her weight for 1 months time to see if Emmeline has put on weight and grown a little more. I do hope so because that is a little worrying! The ironic thing in that when we went for her 4 month visit, I asked the paediatrician about maybe giving Emmeline a bottle with cereal in the evenings to fill her up and help her sleep longer. She said no as Emmeline was a little ‘gordita’ (a little fatty in an affectionate way!)

The thing is that now I am filled with all this self doubt! Did I have enough milk? When I thought that it was cute when Emmeline would launch herself at my boobs like a little puppy was it actually because the little thing was starving? When I put her in her crib to sleep and she would cry, was it because she was starving? But then I think no, she has always been a happy baby, and if she was starving, she would have let me know about it, she would have screamed blue murder at me! Even now when I am feeding her, I keep asking myself ‘is she getting enough? Is there milk there for her?’ This is not helped by the fact that I am trying to express milk to mix with her baby cereals so that I don’t have to give her formula milk, and to be honest, I am not getting too much milk out at the moment. It is making me quite paranoid actually. I feel a little bit like a failure to be honest! I feel like maybe I have not been looking after my little girl properly and yet I feel that have been doing everything that I can!

All that I can hope is that Emmeline doesn’t give us too much of a problem when we start with the baby cereals and solids and that she starts to put on weight and become a chubby monkey. If she has a fast metabolism like her daddy, no problem and perhaps better for her than mommy’s slow metabolism (I simply think about chocolate and I gain weight), but she needs to start to put on weight now!

Short lived excursion

Today I decided that we would have a little excursion to the park! I knew that it would be a cloudless, sunny day and despite it being cold, I thought it would be a good idea to get out and about. So after much faffing about and watching one episode too many of Sex in the City while getting dressed, I eventually managed to get us out of the house around 11:00. I am trying to lose weight, so I thought that as I have not been able to go the gym all week, I would walk to the park with Emmeline in her pram. Great idea as it is a 45 minute DOWNHILL walk – fab! I decided to take the camera with me as I really do need to start to get in the habit of taking more pictures. The problem is that whenever I get the camera out in the middle of the city, I feel more like ‘dorky tourist’ then the desired ‘cool photographer’ image that I was going for! I really must get over that! I don’t know why I am so hung up about this one!

The day was lovely and not as cold as I had imagined. Emmeline drifted off to sleep as I was walking down but unfortunately woke up 20 minutes later when I stopped in a baby shop to look at plate and bowl sets as she will be starting on solids soon. Way overpriced so we quickly left before the shop assistant could come over and spot my cheap skatedness (seriously though, 32 euro’s for the admittedly gorgeous plate, bowl, cup and spoons?).

As we got there, Emmeline very dramatically started to arch her back and wriggle around and screw up her face, ever so subtly trying to say “MOTHER, PICK ME UP NOW!”. I obliged and then had to do the whole baby in one arm whilst trying to push the pram around the gravely park floor with the other hand – not easy or cool! We stopped by the lake and I managed to get a few pictures of us together and both looking at the camera! And standing there in the sun, by the water with the swans waddling around and my daughter in my arms lovingly (or more like curiously) looking up at me, I felt blissfully happy!

We found a nice little spot on the grass and set up camp; blankets, toys, cameras, the works. I felt all mother earth and totally in control of me, my baby and my surroundings! Emmeline happily chewed away on my phone while posing for photos and then it all went downhill.

She started to get irritated so I offered her the chewy keys. That didn’t work. So I went for the backup trick – I touched the button on the keys that played the music. That kept her occupied for about 2 nano seconds. Then the crying began. I started to furiously shake her favourite toy in front of her face and put on my high pitched sing son voice. Didn’t work, the crying got worse. I went for the emergency option and whipped out a boob in the middle of the park and stuck that into her mouth hoping that she was either hungry and the boob would then settle her for a few hours, or if she was tired that she would get sleepy on the boob and I could then put her down to sleep while I played camera camera. NOPE. Not one or the either. She spat out my boob after 3 minutes and screamed even louder.

Damnit, she was tired and couldn’t fall asleep. I started to feel embarrassed, what if people could hear her wailing. I decided ‘stuff them’ I am a mother whose baby is crying. I have every right to sit there and wait for my baby to eventually stop crying without feeling guilty. Then Emmeline decided to up the volume by about 10 decibels. People started to look at me as though I was throttling her. I will admit it; I looked down at Emmeline and just went ‘seriously, you have to do this now don’t you? We were having a perfectly lovely time, and now you are trying to deafen me and half the park and ruining the whole day!’ so I packed everything back up, put her back in the pram and went walking. She kept howling, but mostly only when I would stop pushing her pram to take a photo – demanding little miss! Eventually she fell asleep and I was left with a loud ringing in my eardrums but with a huge sense of relief. Ready to start to journey home. Oh dear, 45 minutes (UPHILL) pushing Emmeline in her pram! It was hard work, but so worth it, especially when I rewarded myself with chocolate when I got home!

All in all a lovely day and thankfully my eardrums have almost returned back to normal!

Sickly baby

Oh dear, little Emmeline go sick again, only this time instead of getting a cold, she got diarrhea! She started last on Monday . . . well Sunday night really by waking up every 2 hours! I will admit that at 4am after waking up countless times, it didn’t click that she must be sick, I was just so tired! I should have realised that she was not well! But I didn’t! I had a suspicion when the next day she screamed blue murder at me when I put her in her crib to sleep in the morning and again that afternoon! After 2 dirty nappies (yellow and very liquidly to be precise) Xavi said that it seemed she had a bad nappy. I scoffed at him and said she was just having a dirty nappy day. After a total of 8 poo’s and a very bad night’s sleep again, I conceded that xavi did indeed have a point!  

I waited a few days and off we went to the paediatrician. She checked Emmeline out and said that she seemed fine and she just had gastro and that it would pass. I expected that response, but just wanted to be sure. So off we trundled home with the hope of fewer poo’s and better night’s sleep.

Well she didn’t get better. She kept pooing, she kept sleeping badly. Consequently I then started to stick a boob in her mouth at every possible opportunity to make sure that she was hydrated. The paediatrician said that we could start to offer her water, but Emmeline found it more fun to chew the bottle and not actually drink from the bottle. It was all new to her as she had only ever drank from a bottle about 3 times in her little 6 month life! After a few days Xavi said that he thought Emmeline was skinnier. Again, I scoffed at him thinking her was paranoid. The next day whilst tickling Emmeline I noticed her ribs sticking out more than usual and she seemed light as a feather. It would appear that once again, Xavi had a point! So I then started to put boobs in her mouth even more frequently to keep her weight up (consequently our feeding schedule is now gone to pot!). By now it was the weekend, and we couldn’t go to the doctor. I had to wait until Monday absolutely wracked by new mommy guilt at not having rushed to the doctor on Friday.

Monday came along and off we went again. The paediatrician was a little surprised to see us and I explained that Emmeline was not better. I told her that she had already had 3 poo’s that day (in reality it was only 2 but I knew that I had to exaggerate to get her to take me seriously) and then explained that Emmeline had just had one in the waiting room so it was actually 4! We took off her nappy, me hoping that it was a bad one so the doctor would take me seriously. Unfortunately it was a tiny pathetic little thing, mostly just left over from her previous poo. The doctor took that poo away from me going “oh well, we can’t count that one, that isn’t even a poo, that is just extra from the poo before” whilst I grumbled “yeah ok”. She checked out Emmeline and said that she seemed fine, no tummy pain, well hydrated etc. She started off by saying something about how these things normally ‘just get better’ at which point I interrupted and said ‘yeah well she is not getting better, maybe you could give us some medicine?’ she slowed me down and explained that with a gastro virus there are two ways that it can be worked out of the body: 1) it basically get rid poo’d out or 2) our bodies intestinal flora (I guess like our bacteria and immune system) will get rid of it. It seemed that Emmeline’s flora appeared to be a little destroyed after having diarrhea for so long and so she gave me some capsules to give to Emmeline with my breast milk. That was 4 days ago, and we are now down to around 4 poo’s a day and waking up around 3 times a night. I really hope that she gets better soon, because I feel so bad for her especially when I see her pushing so hard having a poo, and her little tiny bum is all red. Selfishly I also want my happy baby back, I want to sleep a little better again, and I am sick to death of changing fricking nappies!

Tomorrow is her 6 month check up with our regular paediatrician, so I will check the whole thing out with her and just pray that tomorrow is the day when everything is better!

Happy 6 Months Emmeline!

My little girl turns 6 months today! I cannot believe it and I am gobsmacked by how quickly time has flown past! It feels like it was only a few weeks ago that I found myself in a taxi at 2:30am on my way to the hospital with my baby still in my belly, and now here she is 6 months old already!

I don’t know why, but I feel a little more relaxed now that she is 6 months, a little like we are heading out of the danger zone! I felt a bit the same when she turned 3 months old as well. A little bit like she is now stronger and bigger and although we are faced with new danger zones, I know now that if she pulls a pillow onto her face, she can push it off herself, or if she falls over onto her tummy, she can rectify herself and hold her head up for long periods of time, therefore removing most of the suffocation fear out of my head. That said, although I feel a little more relaxed danger wise, it doesn’t stop me from going into the room every night and putting my finger under her nose to make sure that she is still breathing (often times waking her in the process by unintentionally tickling her nose!)

I feel like Emmeline is now a real little person and less of a baby. You know, in the beginning, all she did was pretty much just lay there, sleep, poo, occasionally cry, oh and eat A LOT! She still does all these things, but less, except the eating part. She still eats A LOT! But now she does a lot of other things as well! I think that everything changed when she was about 2 ½ - 3 months old. Suddenly my child decided that sleeping during the day was overrated. She still feels the same! If she is sleeping by herself in her crib, she almost never sleeps for longer than 30 minutes. Although if her and I are having an afternoon sleep in bed together, she will go anything from 1 – 2 hours! I think it is because she sleeps with her arm out touching my face, hand or shoulder and so when she wakes up she can still feel me there and she falls back asleep! This is working out fine for the moment, but I wonder what will happen the day I am not there! I wonder if a teddy bear in my place would work. Doubt it! Her sleep during the evening is getting better, but in tiny, tiny steps. She still does not sleep through the night, but before getting sick this week, she was going for 6-8hrs without feeding. She still wakes up various times during the night whimpering, but I am hoping (and praying every day) that this will improve and that one day I will only have to wake up once a night, and maybe even not at all, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high!

Emmeline also started to try to eat everything. This hasn’t stopped and is now at epic proportions. She is like a little puppy and will often launch herself at her toys to eat them. She tries everyday without fail to eat my phone and the remote controls, often lunges for the camera, the hairdryer and the computer, and can often be found chewing on my chin (used to be my nose, but she has a strong grip so I redirected her to my chin) or the top of Xavi’s head! Absolutely nothing and no-one is safe from my daughter’s mouth!

She is also now managing to sit up all by herself although there is still a fair amount of falling, especially when she decides that it makes more sense to lung with her mouth open at her toys instead of picking them up with her hands! Which is silly because she can now actually pick things up with her hands and can reach out to grab something that she wants, great to grab Rosie her favourite toy, not so great when she tries to grab her nappy full of poo whilst I am in the middle of changing her . . . this coupled with her need to put everything in her mouth means that mommy has to move very quickly quite often to get the nappy out her hands without spilling poo over both of us!

One little habit she has developed with her improved hand control (which is adorable) is her need to reach out and touch everybody’s face! This worked out wonderfully for me the other day when I was at the tax office and just as I was asking the lady for more time to pay, Emmeline reached out and touched her face, ha ha ha! The downside to her cute little gesture is when she then tightly closes those tiny little fists of hers around you cheeks/eyes/mouth/nose, not so cute!

I did think that now that she is older she was over that whole weeing and pooing the minute her nappy was taken off, but she proved my wrong the other day when on one occasion she had a wee all over me as I was taking her to the bath, and another occasion when just as I had taken her nappy off to take her to the bath, she had a poo all over the bed. I am sure you are asking why I don’t just stick her on the changing mat. Because the bedroom is warmer right now and like I said, I wrongly assumed that she was over this! Must not make that mistake again!

She is an amazing little person and I fall in love with her a little more every day. All I need to do is look at her to feel better and she makes me laugh out loud every single day. Even when she is screaming her little lungs out at me because god forbid I should put her down to sleep alone, I am still filled with love as she is my little screaming gremlin. I never thought that this kind of live was possible and you cannot describe it. It is totally different to the love you feel for your family and totally different to the love you feel for your partner. It is pure, unconditional, innocent, exploding love. I cannot imagine my life without her and nor would I want to.

She makes my smile bigger, my day brighter, my life better and I love her to pieces!

A little boy in danger??

In the beginning of my relationship with xavi I always felt a little bit sorry for yaincoa for having a very small family. He had his daddy and his mommy and Xavi’s parents with whom yaincoa spent almost every weekend. He is very close to his grandparents for this. But that was it. Xavi’s brother died in a car accident when xavi was 16, so yaincoa didn’t have an uncle and therefore no cousins. On the upside he did get to know the children of Xavi’s cousins who he gets to see every now and then, but not too often. But that is it for family on Xavi’s side.

The side of the mother, the wicked witch, is bigger. She has her mother, her father, a sister and 2 brothers. However not too long after Yaincoa was born, she cut off all contact with them. Up until last year, she told yaincoa that her parents died in an airplane crash. I think that this was totally unnecessary as it may give fears to a child about airplanes without any reason. Why not simply say that they lived in a different country so he couldn’t see them. Why did she cut off all contact with her family? The story she told Xavi and many, many of her friends is that her father abused her when she was a child and that her mother knew what was going on and simply turned a blind eye. When I heard this story I honestly did not know whether to believe it. I still don’t. For a start, if something like this has happened to you, it is not something that you go around telling everyone. It is something you are ashamed by and something you keep to yourself only telling a very few people. Why tell so many friends? Then I wondered why did she wait until she was 30 years old to cut them off? Why not sooner? Then I thought well ok, I can understand not talking to your parents, but why would you also cut off your 2 brothers and your sister? On the other hand I thought it would probably explain some of the wicked witch’s issues.

I felt bad for yaincoa as he had 2 uncles, and aunt and possible cousins that he didn’t even know. His childhood could have been different. He could have had many more family moments and had more of an idea of family and uncles, aunts, cousins etc. But I didn’t think about it much more until last year.

We were sitting on a terrace outside a bar having a juice with yaincoa when suddenly there was one of wicked witch’s brothers. Xavi and Arturo greeted each other like long lost friends, briefly commenting on the wicked witch and the difficulty xavi has with her. Arturo made a comment along the lines of he knew exactly how his sister was.  Xavi then introduced Arturo to Yaincoa saying ‘this is mommy’s brother’. Arturo then mentioned that he was going to visit his mother and father in front of Yaincoa. The same mother and father that wicked witch had previously explained died in an airplane crash. Me and xavi were both watching Yain thinking ‘shit, shit, shit! How is he going to accept this? What is he going to think? Does he remember the story about his grandparents dying in an airplane crash? Has he realised that Arturo’s parents are his grandparents? What has wicked witch said about her brother? Does he even know he has an uncle? Does he even understand?’ yaincoa didn’t really seem to understand. Xavi gently mentioned the airplane crash, but (thankfully) yaincoa did not seem to remember anything! I told xavi that it was best and as far as his uncle was concerned, maybe he didn’t really get it, maybe he didn’t know it was his uncle as his idea of family had been mommy, daddy, grandparents. We didn’t say anything more to yaincoa as we didn’t want to open up a hornets’ nest.

The following week wicked witch received the court papers from us to her for not paying her share of the custody. She went ballistic and she then contacted her other brother Alberto. Xavi had heard that Yaincoa had met this brother and so he sent him and email congratulating him on the birth of his daughter and saying that he was very happy that Yaincoa was getting to know them all. Wicked witch had apparently already managed to weave her web around this brother as he never replied and when we met him he never said a word to us, despite us greeting him.

Over time we then heard that Yaincoa had met the mother of wicked witch. Xavi felt a little unsure about this one as wicked witch had said many bad things about her. After making contact with her own mother, wicked witch phoned Xavi’s mom and called her own mother a whore saying that she didn’t want to be with her and she didn’t want to leave yaincoa with her, but then she would organise to meet up with her mother and Yaincoa in the park on various occasions. She was playing everyone. Xavi accepted this as from what he could hear; they never been to the grandparents flat.

Then the Christmas holidays came. By this time we had heard how yaincoa had been with his uncle Alberto on many occasions. We discovered that most days of the holidays that he was with his mother; she left him with his grandmother in the flat with his grandfather. This is the same man who apparently abused her as a child. Through conversation we discovered that wicked witch did not enter the flat. This has continued throughout January.

So it seems that she herself would not enter the flat supposedly for what her father did to her, but yes she would leave her only child in the flat with a supposed abuser and the woman who apparently turned a blind eye to the whole thing?

We could not believe it. Xavi phoned her and asked her what was going on, and asked if her stories about her father were true. She confirmed that yes, they were! When xavi asked how it was possible that she was taking yaincoa to the flat of this man, her response was that it was because Xavi didn’t help her (total crap, she hadn’t even asked) and because Xavi’s parents live far away – 1.5hrs away, not exactly far away. Now I am sure that everyone agrees that there is no reason on this earth that you would leave your child in the house of a man who you claim abused you. NEVER and for no reason at all. Especially not as she never asked xavi for help and because she has been taking yaincoa to Xavi’s parents for 8 years, they haven’t moved, they live where they have always lived. Nothing has changed.  You would take your child to any other place other than the flat of a supposed abuser.

The other side of the coin is what if she was lying? What is she cut off contact with her family for some other reason and she then made up the story as she always likes to play the victim in every situation? What if she denied her parent’s access to their grandson or some other reason? And what if she was going around all of Barcelona telling people her father was an abuser. What kind of person would do that? What kind of person would make up that story about her family and about herself? Why would you lie and tell people you were abused as a child when you weren’t? What must be wrong in your head to do that?

So here we are in the position of not knowing whether Xavi’s son is spending time in the house of a possible abuser or not.

Or whether the mother of yaincoa is so messed up she would make up these stories.

We have sent an email to wicked witch’s brother explain and asking him if this is true or not. We don’t know what else to do. Do you send the other brother the same email; do you send the mother the same message, or the other sister? Or will wicked witch just say that xavi is lying to try to hurt her.

Lawyers can’t do anything either, there are no reports against the father.

So can someone please tell me what the hell are we supposed to do?

The truth about me and the other mother

Xavi has a son from a previous relationship, a beautiful, wonderful little 8 year old boy. The same cannot be said for the mother of this little boy. I have had a thorn in my side for almost 5 years; she is about 1meter 48 tall, has long brown hair and goes by the nickname of the wicked witch. This is not your typical story about the new girlfriend not liking the ex partner of the boyfriend, this story if fairly unique. Let me tell you the story about me and the other mother.

Some people ask me why I dislike Yaincoa’s mother so much and I am sure that many people think that I am biased, I am taking Xavi’s side in the seperation or it is due to some unfounded jealousy due to her and xavi having a child together. I will admit that in the beginning of our relationship I was insecure about xavi and the wicked witch getting back together as they have a son together. I imagined situations that could occur between them and felt scared. She was the mother of his child, I was the tourist who was from a different culture and didn’t speak the language. However a few months into our relationship, I quickly realised that xavi would never go back there.  For a long time I tried to encourage xavi to put aside all the bad that wicked witch had done to him and try to be the better person for the sake of yaincoa. I encouraged him to shelve his feelings and to try again and again and again with her.

After a while that changed. I started to see what wicked witch was really like; I started to see her true side. She has two sides. I have seen both. she has hated me for most of the 5 years xavi and I have been together, but at one brief point, she showed me the side she shows people sometimes, not the real her as this side of her only appears for brief periods. But when she showed it to me, it could have made me think ‘what a great person’ if I didn’t already know what she was really like. Let me explain. I will try to be as brief as possible, but I don’t know if I will manage.

In the beginning I witnessed her threatening xavi with yaincoa along the lines of ‘this weekend you won’t see your son, you can’t have him’ etc. She knows how sensitive xavi is and she would make these threats but never follow through, she would do it to hurt him. For the first few years of our relationship she would still make moves towards xavi. She would answer the door in her pants, she would suggest they get back together for the benefit of yaincoa, she would wear a sexy little practically see through black dress to a school meeting when she knew xavi would be there, when she found out we were having some money problems, she would offer to xavi that he (and not me) could sleep in her flat, and after me being with xavi (and therefore yaincoa) for a year, she tried to prohibit me from going to Yaincoa’s baptism. And when I did go, she did not say a word to me and instead tried to play a game of how close she was to Xavi’s parents by holding her mother’s hand and telling her how much she loved her in front of me. Apparently not something she had done before. She now simply refers to me as ‘the other one’. I think that I have my own personal reasons just on this alone to dislike her.

But it is not only for that.

The father who would do anything for his son

I have seen her being sweet and friendly to Xavi and I have seen her saying all the right things. I have then seen her insult him and being more vulgar than I have ever seen anyone being. She has told lies about xavi to people who used to be her friends (and who are now our friends) and she has called Xavi a bastard behind his back in front of other parents at Yaincoa’s school. In emails only from last year she has called xavi a liar 16 times, told him that any problem with yaincoa is ‘uniquely and exclusively’ his fault 6 times, called him selfish 5 times, told him he has a mouth full of shit twice, told xavi that he is traumatising / destroying / screwing up the life of yaincoa 8 times, calls him a closet gay 4 times, called him a bad son a bad father and a bad person various times. She has also told him that he doesn’t respect her various times. Yet somehow she feels all the insulting and name calling she does is not a lack of respect. What has xavi called her? Nothing, I read every single one of his emails. What has he done to get these responses from her? He has, at the most, been a nag. About what? About trying to get her to be more responsible with regards to her son as I am about to describe. I have seen her lie to xavi repeatedly, I have seen her insult him repeatedly, I have seen her do everything she can to hurt xavi and cause him as much pain and distress as possible. Just for this I think that I would have enough reason to dislike her

But it is not only for that.

I have then seen how she is with her son. A sweet and innocent little boy who loves and adores his mother but who comes with his fair share of problems. I have heard how after a few months of being with xavi she talked about wanting a baby. Xavi did not. After 5months of being together, she got pregnant. Although she was pregnant, she didn’t feel that this was reason enough to stop drinking or smoking constantly throughout her entire pregnancy. Yaincoa has had asthma and chronic bronchitis all his life. When yaincoa was born she gave him as much as possible to Xavi’s mother to look after so that she would have her free time and her time with xavi. Xavi protested this, but she said it was normal. She would let Xavi’s mom stay up all night with yaincoa when he was a baby and was sick and she would sleep through the night in the other room. I have seen her throw herself on the floor hugging him in a grand and exaggerated gesture after being away from him for . . . . 2 days. I have seen her giving yaincoa to Xavi’s parents 4 weekends out of 5 because she works for 4 hrs on a Saturday and therefore for some reason chooses not to be with her son for the whole weekend. I have seen her leaving yaincoa with Xavi’s parent for practically every single one of her weeks during 3 months worth of summer holidays. She has tried to refuse to pick him up from us on various occasions when it is her turn to be with her son because he was sick and in her words ‘if he is sick he can stay with you’ (by sick I mean a cold, I don’t mean severe flu with fever when he should remain in bed). She has prohibited xavi from taking yaincoa to a Barcelona family football game one night of her week to hurt xavi without thinking in the pain it caused her son who loves Barca football club. I have seen her take her son to work with her and then leave him to wonder around the marina all by himself, 100 meters away from her, crossing the road alone, the same road where we witnessed a car almost hitting a child. We have had shared custody of yaincoa for 2 years and 4 months. Before that xavi only had part custody meaning that it was the responsibility of the wicked witch to take care of healthcare etc. Since gaining shared custody, Xavi has done everything possible to have his share of responsibility in every matter. She has never taken her son to the dentist in his whole life. He had to have fillings 2 years ago and actually had to have work done as far as the nerves due to the damage for all the crap he had eaten. Her response was that this was normal, he was a child. She has gone so far as to cancel 2 dentist appointments last year that fell in her week so that she didn’t have to go. In contrast xavi took him 3 times last year and twice this year. Yaincoa needed x Rays on his teeth as he may have needed braces. When he asked wicked witch to organise this (as xavi had done every other appointment) she refused. Her answer was ‘it is your thing, you know more about it than me, finish what you started’. It is not actually Xavi’s thing, it is about Yaincoa. Xavi took Yain to the dentist 3 days ago and yes, yaincoa needs braces. Wicked witch has still not asked how the appointment went or anything about the fact that her son needs braces. She forgot to get some of Yaincoa’s vaccinations done and he was in the health system as a girl which means that he was scheduled for the Papillion vaccination – a vaccination for girls only. Xavi had to fix this and get the missing vaccinations sorted out. She did not take yaincoa to the doctor for around 4 years (missing various appointments and check ups he needed to have for his age) and last year she just didn’t turn up for various appointments that fell in her week. In contrast xavi took yaincoa to 4 doctor’s appointments and twice to the doctor for his feet (I don’t know the name in English!). A year and a half ago we had to take yaincoa to the doctor as his weight had increased during summer holidays. The doctor told us that he was technically classed as being obese and gave us strict instructions to follow so that he could lose weight. We sent the information to wicked witch on 3 various occasions however she continues to order take away pizzas, buy chocolate croissants and give yaincoa chocolate waffles and ice creams without a second thought. She also feels that it is acceptable to give a growing child half and apple, a carrot or on one occasion, an ice cream for breakfast. When we ask her about this her answer is that her son is marvellous and that he is not obese. Despite us sending various notes from the doctor that he was obese and now thanks to our hard work he has dropped down to overweight. When you look at yaincoa he does not look overweight, he looks fine, but it is not all about how he looks, it is about giving him a healthy diet. Something we do our best to do and something she screws up every week by not following a word of the doctor’s advice. And yet she has the audacity to tell yaincoa he has a fat stomach and to then teach her (then 7 year old) son how to do sit ups. She has often let yaincoa leave the house without brushing his teeth and on various occasions she has put her jeans and t-shirts on him to wear to school (she in tiny, they fit him). She lets him sit in the front seat without his child safety seat and we have seen her doing wheel spins with the car due to pulling away so quickly. She has lied in front of him, she has made him lie for her and she has told him that his father is a big liar. She has not paid her half of the shared custody for more than 18 months owing thousands but she has bought him a play station, a Nintendo and x box – spoiling him unnecessarily. He has had problem with his behaviour in school and has bought home various bad report cards, but she does not punish him. Her response ‘he is just a child’. We do extra work with yaincoa almost every day to improve his grades, and they are now improving, she does nothing. She claims that her father abused her as a child and that her mother just accepted it. She explained to yaincoa that her parents died in an airplane crash. I don’t know the reason she lost contact with her 2 brothers and her sister. Despite making these claims about her parents, she has recently made contact with her family again, she moved flat to be closer to them and she is now leaving yaincoa in the same flat as her mother and father whilst she works. She refuses to be in the same room as her father, says he is an abuser, and then leaves her son there. She phones Xavi’s mother and calls her own mother a whore and then she leaves yaincoa with her.

For these reasons I do not simply dislike her. I will not say the word hate, but what I feel towards this woman is much more than dislike. She is not a nice person and as far as I am concerned she in not fit to call herself a mother. Being a mother is a lot more than simply giving birth to a baby. Being a mother is everything that she is not and will never be. On the few occasions I have said something to her about yaincoa her response has been simple “you are no one to me, don’t talk to me, you are not a mother”. Firstly, I didn’t have to be a mother to know that she was not doing things the right way, that she was not doing everything in the best way possible for the benefit of her son. Now that I am a mother, I am actually disgusted by her behaviour. When Emmeline is sick I want to be right there by her side to make her feel better. I would never dream of palming her off onto her grandmother, nor would I ever think to say that I don’t want to be with her if she is sick. I am her mommy and I want to make her feel better. When she has to go to the doctor, I will go with her, even if xavi could take her to every appointment, I would still go with her because I want to know exactly what is going on with my child. I will do everything possible to give my child a healthy diet and a healthy upbringing. I will push my child and help her as much as possible with her school work and her grades. I will do everything possible for my child.

I see this woman repeatedly doing what she can do hurt xavi without realising there hurt it causes her son. I see her not looking after his diet, not taking him to the doctor, not taking him to the dentist or the foot doctor, nor does she show any interest in any of these; she doesn’t push him to get better grades, she doesn’t pay his maintenance, she dresses him in her clothing, she put him in danger, she lies to him, in front of him and about him, and she leaves in the care of a man who she claims abused her and a woman she claims turned a blind eye.

I don’t think that I am being unfair in my feeling towards her. I think that not just any parent, but any person in my situation would feel the same as I do  . . . if not worse.

Sales!!

Oops.

I went shopping today.

I shouldn’t have, I know, there are too many things to pay and there is no money for frivolous things such as shopping. But I couldn’t help it, the sales are one, and it wasn’t for me, it was for Emmeline! And it is out of my control, there is a baby Zara shop near the flat and I have been eyeing up a few little things for some time, but it was too expensive. However with the sales on, I felt sure to be able to get these little gorgeous little pieces for half price if I was lucky. I was lucky, perhaps a little too lucky. I had budgeted to spend around 50euros but walked out 72.80euros lighter! How did it happen? I will never know. Sales are tricky like that because instead of thinking ‘oh, that costs 12.99euros’ what you actually think is ‘Ooh, it was 25.00euros, it is half price now, I must buy it’

I hate sales, they trick me every time!

 Emmeline behaved herself very well throughout our little shopping trip and slept throughout practically the whole experience! Now all I have to do is play dress up with her one day when she is in a good mood so that I can take out some of the clothing that I am sure must be small by now. I will openly admit that I have 3 month old clothing in there when she is now coming up to 6 months! But some of the clothing is just so cute!

Anyway, look at the lovely little thinks I bought for Emmeline!

The Big 30 - All downhill???

Today I turn 30.

I have wrinkles on my face, cellulite on my arse, stretch marks on my hips, a 10cm scar below my belly.

I don’t own a house. I have no job. I am not married.

On paper my life does not seem very good. Many people would be sad. Possibly even scared.

Not me.

I have wrinkles on my face from laughing so hard it hurt. I have cellulite on my arse from enjoying many happy meals with friends and family. I have stretch marks on my hips from when my body became a home for my unborn baby. That 10 cm scar in how my baby made her entrance into this world.

I don’t own a house as I have been too busy travelling various countries to settle down and buy anything. I don’t have a job as I am privileged enough to be able to stay at home looking after my daughter. I am not married because I do not need a piece of paper to know how much Xavi loves me or to confirm that I will be with him for the rest of my life.

My life may not look good on paper, but I feel like that happiest girl alive.

When I was in my 20’s and I heard people going “oh God, I can’t believe I am turning 30/40/50” and I always answered “ it is just a number you know” to which they looked at me smugly and said “hmph, you will feel different when it is your turn”. Well now that it is my turn I have been asked many times how I feel about turning the big 30? I feel fine about it! I still feel that it is just a number because that is all it is. I have heard people say that when they turned 30 they felt like suddenly they had to turn in to a adult, that they felt more comfortable with themselves and more confident, that they were more sure of themselves and who they were, that they didn’t worry quiet so much about the opinions of other people, that they didn’t feel the need to prove themselves to others. And on the negative side, they felt old, they felt like they should have done more with their lives by now, that they had expected to have more in their lives, that they felt the weight struggle would now become harder, that their biological clocks were ticking, that they should have a family/perfect job/perfect house by this point in their lives.

Why? Why so much expectation for simply turning 30? And it is not just 30, oh no no no! It appears to just start at 30. Let me not start on turning 40 and god forbid we should start on the subject of turning 50! I think some people actually have slight nervous breakdowns at the approach of these “milestones”

Again, why?

Yesterday I was 29, I had a pimple on my chin, I was insecure about my body due to the weight I gained during pregnancy that I still have to lose, I believed in guardian angels and that bullfighting should be banned worldwide. I did not feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I did not feel like a child.

Today I turned 30. The pimple was still on my chin, my insecurities were still there, my beliefs remain the same, I do not have to prove myself to anyone, and I don’t feel like suddenly I have to become an adult.

Nothing changes just because you become a certain age. Change takes place over time. Change takes place depending on whether you want the change or not. Change takes place depending on your experiences, situations, the people you have in your life. Change does not place because you are 30, 40 or 50.

We get old; there is no way to change that. We get wrinkles, we go grey, that fat gets harder to shift, and things go south, way south. But we cannot change that. All we can do is take good care of ourselves and accept things gracefully. Thankfully for women the inventions of light reflecting make up, wonder bras and control pants help us in this ‘fight’ and I think perhaps this is because women don’t accept the aging process as well as men do. We worry about our appearance much more than they do, but that is a whole other blog story.

We should stop having so many expectations about what we should be doing and by what point in our lives, we should stop worrying so much what other people think about us, we should stop trying to prove ourselves, but most of all, we should live our lives to the fullest so that when we reach certain points in our lives, we are not left feeling regret and feeling like we have done nothing with our lives!

Forget if you are turning 30 or 40 or 50. There is simply yesterday, today and tomorrow, make the most of it and forget about these ridiculous hang-ups!

image taken from www.elderoptionsoftexas.com

Happy Birthday to Me

image taken from www.yourcaringangels.com

Happy birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday dear Shannon

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday, my day, it feels special! It feels more special because I have my baby girl with me!

I woke up this early this morning and bought Emmeline into bed with me so we could doze together, but she had other plans and a little after 7am she started to try to gauge my eyes out to wake me up! So up I got but I decided that we would stay in bed for a while. So I went through to the lounge to get my new blackberry phone and saw that Xavi had handmade me some decorations saying ‘feliz cumpleaños’ and loads of hearts for me – such a sweetie. Got my coffee and large bowl of coca pops and got back into bed. I put on my greys anatomy DVD and there I sat with Emmeline watching TV, still in my pj’s and feeling super happy! Xavi cam home briefly, wished me happy birthday and left again giving me time, a lot of time, to get dressed and ready for lunch! I put on a pretty dress, pretty shoes and pretty make up and felt like a girl, thrilled to be leaving the house, my tracksuit bottoms and milk stained t shirt behind me!

We met my parents and went for a lovely meal in Little Italy restaurant in Borne. I opted for the steak, so rare it was practically still moving – just how I like it! Mom and dad bought me some lovely little silver earrings and a beautiful silver bracelet which I have not taken off all weekend! Love them! We had a lovely meal talking; laughing and playing pass the parcel with Emmeline! I get on so well with my parents that it just feelings like I am out with friends! We had a great time however by 3pm I felt pooped! So me and Xavi headed home with an equally tired baby! When we got home, Xavi admitted that he had not bought me anything as he wanted to buy me a pair of shoes in a shop around the corner, but he wanted to be sure that they were what I wanted. Uh of course! More shoes, yaay! I told him that we could go and get them the following day as he was so tired, but around18:30 I changed my mind, pouted at Xavi and off we went to buy them.

But boo hoo, they did not fit nicely! Knee high boots are made for girls with slim calves. Mine are not huge, but they have muscle and larger than the average calf, this makes buying knee highs an absolute nightmare and quite often impossible to find any. I have to opt for boots that finish just below the calf. This means that the beautiful boots that he was going to buy me were bunching just below the calf, something they were not designed to do! So we left empty handed! However fear not, the next day we went shopping and I bought a gorgeous pair of tan brown boots with buckles that finish just below the calf – love them and am so loving my shoe cupboard! Xavi has bought me so many pairs of shoes since we have been together! He really is my fairy god father of shoes! I finished the day by blowing out the candles on the chocolate cake that Xavi bought me and then having 2 large portions of this yummy cake!

All in all a perfect day!

War on the Dummy

I never wanted to give Emmeline the dummy. I didn’t see the point and couldn’t actually read any clear cut benefits for the dummy. It seemed pretty equal in the pros and the cons. So I decided to not give it to her and wait and see what happened. Xavi was fine with that, although there were various times when he would wonder if it was depriving her of something as his son yaincoa had his dummy from the beginning for I don’t know how long. I wasn’t trying to be different, but I just didn’t want to give her something just because everyone else had done it!

But around 7 weeks old, she started to try to suck the life out of everything. She would stick her hands so far into her mouth that she would almost choke on them! So after a little bit of nagging from xavi, I eventually relented, dragged out the dummy, boiled them all and reluctantly gave in. We gently put it in her mouth and waited. I think that I was waiting for her to automatically spit it out in disgust so I could go ‘ha’ and xavi was waiting for her to suck it up like her new best friend so that her could go ‘ha’! She gave us a middle ground and spat it out the first time but took it in the second time. It was remarkable because a few seconds before, she was irritable and crying/whinging and just wouldn’t settle, but after giving her the dummy if was as though someone had just pressed some kind of ‘relax’ switch on my daughter! She just relaxed immediately and lay very quietly on the sofa! Shock horror. We could eat dinner together and at a normal speed without worrying about her starting to cry in the middle. I was gobsmacked . . . and a little disappointed that she took to it like that! The next night though, she spat that dummy straight out leaving me with a huge grin. However, she did seem to have a necessity to suck on something and so she took to the dummy. I gave out strict rules regarding the use of the dummy; it was only to be used if she was all irritable and wouldn’t settle and to help her to get to sleep. I was worried that there would be ‘nipple confusion’ issues and also didn’t want to have a child who always had a dummy stuck in her mouth! However, over the months, the dummy started to get used more and more, yes even I was using it more. She just loved her dummy and I felt bad depriving her of it but I found that I would give it to her even when she didn’t need it. She would cry and you would give it to her and she would automatically relax with a look of contentment on her face, or she would be so tired but fighting against sleep but the minute you put the dummy in her mouth, her eyes would just close! However, it was becoming too much. I realised that things needed to change, but I didn’t know how I was going to go about it! Firstly I had to make sure that xavi was on board with the idea, and then I would have to work out my strategy! While I was still going over the whole thing in my head, Christmas came along. My parents posted pictures of Emmeline on the internet and I noticed that in almost every one of the pictures of her, she had her dummy! Oh dear. Around the same time, I noticed her waking up and crying because she didn’t have her dummy. I would give it to her; she would suck it for a while, take it out her mouth, chew on it a little, drop it and then start to cry because she didn’t have her dummy! How irritating? Especially at 3am! It seemed that she was waking up more and more during the evening whimpering for her dummy and then I would be the idiot playing fetch the dummy, sometimes having to give it to her up to 10 times and trying to gently swat her hands away from her mouth so that she wouldn’t pull it out again. Eventually a few days ago I woke up and said to xavi “that’s it. The dummy has got to go!” I explained everything to him and decided that whilst I am not planning on taking the dummy away completely right now, I do want to start to use it less and less so that she becomes less dependent on it to help her sleep.

Along came day one. Her morning nap time came along and I decided to see if I could get her to sleep without the dummy. I decided to put her to sleep in my arms so that she at least had some other comfort. I know that there are probably plenty of people thinking that I just substituted one sleep aid for another, but my idea was to get her off the dummy and then I would get her back to sleeping by herself without a dummy or by being in mommy and daddy’s arms! One step at a time. I have come to realise that a lot of things with babies depends on who is more determined/stubborn and can go the longer. I think I will win every time, so I knew that no matter how long it took, I would walk up and down the hallway until she dropped off. It took around 30 minutes or so! She fell asleep but I was unable to put her down as every time I sat down, she woke up! poo.  Along came her second nap of the day and I thought ‘well, I can’t give her the dummy now’ so I didn’t, and she fell asleep in daddy’s arms! For the 3^rd nap, (she naps a lot as she never sleeps for longer than 30 minutes at a time!)her and I went to the room to have a sleep together. We share the bed and this is normally the only way the Emmeline will have a nice long sleep. I settled her down and the crying began. She wanted her dummy and I decided to not give it as it may send out mixed signals to her. So I stroked her hair and I sang to her. Eventually she calmed down and she fell asleep. That evening when I put her down to bed I gave her the dummy. I decided that would be the last hurdle to overcome and that she could still have her dummy at bed time.

Well day 2 went the same more or less, and here we are on day 3 and that has also gone the same. No dummy during the day and in the evening I am not giving her the dummy every single time she cries, I am giving it to her every other time so that she can start to slowly get accustomed to not having it the whole time. I don’t know I that is the right thing to do or not, but hey ho, it feels right to me.

I am so proud of her and how well she is adapting to this whole thing. I imagine that it could be quite a traumatic event for a little baby, but she is handling it like a trooper. Although I am not living in la la land. I do have a strong suspicion that she will give me a good run for my money in the screaming stakes those first few times of putting her in her own crib during the day to sleep without her dummy and not in the arms of mommy or daddy,! But as I said before, everything step by step. I know that she is still young, and yes, I could leave her with her dummy a little longer, but the longer I leave it, the harder it will be, and not just for me, it will be harder for her. It feels right to do this now, and I have noticed that she appears to be making more noises and ‘talking’ more these last few days as well. An added bonus is that she also appears to be sleeping slightly better during the evenings, although it is still early days so I won’t do the dance of joy just yet! I still have to tackle getting her to truly sleep on her own, so I may be eating my words next week!

Happy New Years

I am not a huge fan of New Years Eve to be honest. I have tried to be, but now I am just over it! There is far too much hype about what to do and where to go and what to wear. Then there is the whole crap fest about every bar and restaurant suddenly doubling their prices just so that you can get in the front door when ordinarily you wouldn’t generally be seen dead in the place, then there are the drinks prices. If you have managed to get past all of this and you have done yourself up, paid the equivalent of a month’s rent in the entrance fee and drinks and partied the night away, you then have the total arse ache of trying to get home. Smelly night bus? Crammed metro if it is still running? Ridiculously priced taxi? Go home, momentarily share our story about your evening to your friends and family and then promptly forget all about it until you do it all over again next year? If you don’t do anything, you end up feeling totally boring and you feel embarrassed as well. It sucks royally. I remember all the hoo ha for the new years for 2000, how many people actually remember what they did? I don’t.  I think everyone should just relax about it already!

Last year I was pregnant at New Years Eve, so it was a quiet one, maybe more than I expected! Xavi and I were down in the house in Valls and we decided to go and find a little bar and celebrate the New Year together. So off we got in the car (obviously me not drinking took care of the transport issue quite nicely) and off we headed to Tarragona. We headed to the marina area where there were some bars. In Spain, everyone celebrates the 12 chimes of midnight by eating one grape at each chime of the gong, so we very efficiently made sure that we each had our own little tin of deseeded and peeled grapes - very important when you are trying to shove 12 grapes in your mouth, helps with the not chewing and just swallowing aspect. However almost every bar was closed. Another thing in Spain is that they celebrate New Year’s the other way around. Up until midnight it is a time for everyone to be inside with family having dinner etc. to bring in the new years, and then everybody leaves home to go and party until the next day. Or the day after that depending on the party! So yes, we found ourselves in a pickle, most bars were closed. We did manage to find one open . . . it appeared to be a mix of a kebab takeaway place and a bar with the interior furnishing resembling a beachside holiday home. Weird. We were the only people there, xavi with his whisky, me with my alcohol free beer, us whispering as we were alone and talking felt like we were shouting! A drunken group stumbled in, gave us hugs and handshakes, mumbled something and thankfully left rather quickly! Midnight approached rather rapidly and so we go out some napkins, drained our grapes, laid them out on the napkins and ate our grapes according to the chimes on the TV inside the beachside kebab bar place. All alone and feeling like total idiots whilst the foreign bar staff looked at us like we were total losers. I didn’t have a pregnancy bump, so I couldn’t even point to that to say “look we are not total freaks, we are just slightly limited in our plans!” But we didn’t care too much. We were thrilled because that was going to be the year that we had our baby, which was all that mattered.

This year we had our little girl. We would also have Yaincoa with us this year and having children suddenly changes the whole ballgame doesn’t it? We couldn’t really go anywhere as Emmeline is still young and has her bedtime quite early. I cannot drag my little 5 month old around town with me trying to get her to sleep in some corner or some bedroom somewhere! So we decided to stay in the flat. We thought about inviting some friends of ours or one of Yaincoa’s friends to make it a little more interesting for him, however everyone else already had plans and it appeared that there were a few other couples out there having a quiet evening like us. My parents decided to have a quiet one on their boat, so it would just be the 4 of us this year. We decided to send Emmeline to bed a little later than usual so that the house could be louder for a little longer. We set up the Scalextric so that xavi and Yain could play and we decided to have pizza for dinner, an exception in our house! We all chilled out on the sofa together, ate our pizzas, watched the new years programmes with an increasingly tired 8 year old at our side nagging us that the TV we were watching was boring, he wanted to watch a 3 hour 1 star movie on some other channel! We outvoted him! Along came new years and with it a sneaky glass of Cava and our 12 grapes! We all hugged and kissed and xavi and I both agreed that it had been a good year, a year that bought us our little angel Emmeline, and a good year for us. We were exhausted, so about 15 minutes later we were all wrapped up in bed!

I feel grateful for what I have, I feel thankful for who I have, I feel content with the year I have had, and I feel hopeful for the year to come.

New Year’s resolutions? I don’t really make them, but ok then, what do I want for this year?

To sleep more

To lose my pregnancy arse, tummy, hips and everything else

To try to be a good mommy to my girl, always giving her the time and attention and love that she deserves

To try to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend etc

To get this blog up and running and stick with it

To be more creative

To find a way of bringing in some cash without having to hand out flyers on street corners

To finish studying graphic design

To study more, maybe web design or photography

To make a real effort to wax my legs and underarms more frequently and generally try to be more feminine.

So to all of you, Happy New Year!