Growing a Penis

So I am growing a penis inside of me. I am having a boy and therefore I am growing a teeny little winky inside of me. This feels somewhat odd and strange.I know I will love my little boy just as much as my daughter, it is not a question of love, never has been.

The bottom line is that I am having a boy and that does kind of freak me out. I have a little girl, and I have always felt comfortable with that. Why? Well quite basically because I am a girl! I have a girl body, I have a girl head, I have girl feelings, I know what my little girl is going to go through. I played with dolls, made jewellery, had a badge making machine, played barbie, had my own little baby doll. I know how to play with my little girl because I was a little girl and I cannot wait to do those things with her.

Now for the boy part. I never had a winky, I have no idea what to do with one of those! When you change the nappy, does winky go up or does winky go down? I have visions of being sprayed by fountains of wee from my baby! Boys think different to us, plain and simple. It is not a myth, as far as I am convinced it is a fact! It is not Mars and Venus, some days I think we come from different solar systems. I am not going to know what he has got going on in his head, all those testosterone filled feelings, all that wounded male pride malarkey etc because I was never a boy. I don't know what goes on in their heads!! I have a step son so I have a bit of an idea. I tried playing cars and I am sorry, but how boring? Vroom, vroom, park. Airplanes - vroom, vroom, fly. Action man - kick, punch, fight. Robots - the same thing. Then there is the whole throwing rocks, chasing birds, playing football in the house (because isnt that the best place to play football?), fascination with cars, motorbikes, anything that goes fast or crashes or explodes, the dismantling / breaking things and the general destroying of all sorts of things. There is the wily fascination that starts from the minute they realise that there is something down there and lets be honest, never actually stops. So now I can prepare myself for a house full of ball shifting.

Lets face it, I don't get boys!

Now I have heard from several mothers that there are things you get from a boy that you don't get from a girl and this too I have seen in my step son. There is the protectiveness, the chivalry, the compliments etc. I have told boys can be mommies boys and girls are daddies girls. However I am still somewhat scared about having a boy. I worry so much that I am going to be a rubbish mother to a boy. I am sure that I will learn to be a mother to a boy, but that doesn't actually make me feel any better. I am still freaking out!

Attack of the crazy hormonal monsters

So, along with every pregnancy comes those dreaded little hormones. Now before I got pregnant, I will admit that I thought the whole hormonal pregnant woman thing was just something to make us laugh and cringe in the movies.

But then I got pregnant and yes, I got hormonal. I would feel them sometimes because I would feel angry inside for no reason, I would snap at the drop of a hat, I would cry at everything. Xavi told me i went from zero to dragon in seconds. Who me??? I then realised that the whole hormonal thing was in fact true!!! Crap! 

Here I am in my second pregnancy, and apparently the hormones are still here. They appear to have had so much fun with me the first time, that the decided to come party again this time! I am trying to deal with that and warn Xavi when I am feeling those hormones, but at times I dont even realise I am being hormonal. It feels like they are real and justified emotions and feelings.

But, if I thought my hormones were bad, then I was in for the shock of my life. I am part of a pregnancy forum, and two pregnancy pages on Facebook. I was part of the pregnancy forum during my first pregnancy and made some great friends whom I am still in contact with and who are more a part of my life than some of my other 'friends'. The facebook pages are a spin off of that forum. Well, the majority of these women are lovely, kind, caring, funny souls, but we have come across our fair few crack pots!

The first one we encountered was several months ago in the pregnancy forum. Someone expressed that they were not feeling happy at that time about being pregnant. Well, this hormonal mommy chose to jump all over this poor woman and basically tell her to get an abortion then. Now, how any one can say that to another person is beyond me. So I expressed my opinion in a very respectful way. Well, before I know it, this woman is jumping all over me in the forum, threatening to 'kick my ass' and even going so far as wish that someone actually lost their baby! I found that to be absolutely disgusting! That someone would sink to that kind of level, someone who was also pregnant and therefore experiencing the same emotions as you was incredible. But I also though she was one in a trillion. I couldn't decided whether this girl was a touch crazy or whether she had some serious hormonal issues going on!

Nope, not the only hormonal one. There were one or two more instances of quite frankly, childish, vindictive behavior. Again, was it the hormones, or were these girls just silly little girls??

Then another few instances of nastiness or hormones getting way out of control. A conversation about breastfeeding got particularly nasty with one mother practically wishing death upon those who did not breastfeed! Another mother basically decided that anyone who had the occasional little drink during pregnancy was abusing their child.

What was going on with these women? Haven't they ever heard of a difference of opinion. Do they not live in a world whereby people think and feel differently? Are the surrounded by people who simply say "Yes" all day long? OR were they struck by hormones turning them into crazy hormonal monsters??? I couldn't be sure.

Then came another. A, quite frankly, crazy woman showed up on one of our facebook pages. She started having a go at one of my friends for a previous conversation and then told her that she hoped her baby died. I piped up and before I know it, this woman is threatening to 'kick my ass' and wishing that my baby dies. Now what kind of person starts to wish miscarriage on people. Is it someone crazy? Is it someone vindictive and malicious? Is is someone uneducated? Because surely, it cannot be the hormones. Surely she was not a fairly normal person who had turned into a crazy hormonal monster???

Personally I have to tell myself that all these women I have just mentioned must be a little loony, because surely hormones cannot change someone that drastically?

Hormones make most women a touch crazy, angry, snappy, weepy and many more things. We dont trust ourselves or our emotions. Are we feeling something real, or is it the hormones talking. Did my boyfriend really do something wrong, or am I over reacting? Equally, did I really use a tone or is my boyfriend using my hormones as an excuse?? It is all very grey territory!! I find myself wishing these 9 months to go by quickly so that the next time I get angry, I am sure that I am justified and I dont just burst into tears! I want to read Harry Potter to my daughter without tearing up because Harry caught the snitch and everyone cheered him like a hero. I want to not get angry at the supermarket lady for packing my bag incorrectly. When I wake up feeling sad, I want to know why!! I want to regain control of me and my emotions again.
I want to say good bye to the crazy hormonal monster who tends to occupy my body these days and welcome back me!!