Xavi and I had talked about having a baby quite a lot during our relationship. Xavi already has a son, so he knows the joy that having a child can bring you. I was not so sure and it is safe to say that it was me putting on the breaks going "whoa there tiger, hang on just a little second". The truth is that I have never been a maternal person; I don’t look at children and see these sweet little innocent creations of life, people did not tell me what a great mother I would make one day and I did not look at babies and yearn for one. Truth be told, most children just irritated me (still do) and given the choice between an orang-utan and a baby, I would have chosen the monkey. It's true, I would have!
So imagine my surprise when I found myself thinking about having a baby! But I was shit scared about it all. I was fully aware of the huge responsibility in having a baby. It is not just that your whole life is going to change, it is not just that you will now have to successfully look after yourself and another human being, it is the fact that you are responsible for making a person, You will be giving this little person the experiences, educations, morals etc. to see them through their whole life. You can screw them up! I REALLY do not want to screw up my child!!
However, I found myself thinking yes. Then one night we had an accident and something broke so to speak. We discussed this and decided to not go to the pharmacy to get the morning after pill and to just see what happened. We agreed that if we had made a baby, we would be cool with that. It turns out that we hadn't. But from that night onwards all birth control went out the window. We decided to see what would happen. I didn't tell anyone we were trying, that just sounded to "oooh, we are trying". I also didn't want the questions of "So, any news yet". So obviously I should have been prepared for the fact that I may fall pregnant, but I thought it would take a long time. Then around 2 or 3 months later, just before I was due to get my period, I felt a bit off. I was a smoker, and smoking just started to taste horrible, so I stopped. I just felt eeuuww! A few days went by and I looked at my diary noticing I was a day late. What is a day you may ask yourself? Well for me a day is everything. My period had a habit of coming early and too often, never late. I didn't say anything to anyone as I didn’t want to ring the bell without knowing for sure. A few days later, still no sign. It was agonising wondering if my period had come every 5 minutes. I think that a week later when I walked into the pharmacy, I knew I was pregnant. I bought the test but had to take it out the box, read the instructions, and throw everything away before getting into the flat as xavi was there and I didn’t want him to see the evidence if I was indeed mistaken! So I shoved the test into my pocket, got home went to the toilet and did the test. I had only just pulled up my jeans and I could already see 2 lines. 'Best wait too be sure' I told myself. So I went and made small talk with xavi for the longest 5 minutes ever. There was no need to go and check, but I did anyway and yes, the two lines were still there, bright and clear as anything.I went outside with the stick and showed xavi asking if he knew what it was. He was like 'Um a thermometer?’ 'No, it is a pregnancy test and it is positive’.... silence ..... 'Xavi, my period is a week late, I am pregnant'!!! He was elated! He gave me a huge hug, a smile was bursting off his face and he had tears in his eyes. We were in shock and we were both a bit like 'Really?'
I decided to go to the pharmacy again and buy another one just to be sure. The pharmacist asked if it was a negative reading, so I explained that it was in fact positive but I wanted to be really sure. She looked at me with a look of 'oh silly little girl' and explained that yes is YES, no doubt about it.
I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. A person was going to be totally dependent on me. Someone was going to call me mommy. I kept the test in my draw and kept looking at it to make sure that really there were 2 lines. I even got xavi to check for me over and over again.
I still have that test, and I still look at the line, they are still there obviously. I don’t think I will ever throw that stick away; it gave me the best news of my life!
