Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Baby girl turns 1!!

Happy Birthday Emmeline!

1 Year already!

I remember my waters breaking (well, they kind of half broke, but anyway), I remember the pain of contractions passing through me for hours, I remember the sweet relief of the epidural, I remember the strangling motion the nurse made when she told the doctor that I had a prolapsed umbilical cord (cord coming out first and baby therefore possibly stopping the flow of oxygen). I remember being wheeled through hospital half naked with a strange women on top of me with half her arm inside of me to stop Emmeline coming any further down, and I remember the speed at which the many doctors in the surgery worked at getting tubes taken out and put in, and I remember being completely knocked out by medication not knowing the fate of my baby.

I remember waking up, feeling semi zonked due to pain medication and exhaustion and Xavi smiling at me asking if I wanted to meet someone. I remember the nurse bringing Emmeline over and putting her in my arms and positioning her to breastfeed. I was lying down and all I could think was "God, I hope she doesn't suffocate on my boob, she is lying face down". Those few days in hospital were a dream for me. We were in a perfect little bubble.

But the days flew by and they haven't stopped flying since then. I have watched her grown from a tiny little raisin into a destructive little angel! I have seen her going from this little thing that was totally immobile and confined to a life of laying on her back only being able to see 30cm in front of her face to being a mini person taking her first tentative steps and hitting mickey mouse for being in the TV. I have watched her grow and learn how to sit, how to roll, how to crawl and how to walk (almost). I have watched her learn to smile, to grin, to giggle, to laugh and to do funny things to you to make everyone laugh. I have watched her change from being fairly blase about who she was with to showing clear signs of joy when she sees us, to crawl up to us and hug our legs, to hold us and kiss us. I have also seen her throw her bowl on the floor in irritation, wriggle out of our arms in frustration and become far too independent and stubborn insisting on doing things herself!

I have watched the light of my life grow so much in one year and it scares the crap out of me. I seem to have this thing in my head that after one, everything goes by really quickly. I feel panicky sometimes and think it is all going to rush by now, like I am going to miss special moments, that as each year passes, it will be another year of her becoming more independent . . . from me! I know this is stupid and unreasonable, but I cant help it. There are still days when I cant believe that she is ours and that we get to keep her. No one is going to come and get her, she doesn't have to go. She gets to stay with us. I want to enjoy every minute I can with her and there are still many days that when she is in bed for the evening, I miss her.

I never believed anyone when they said the love you feel for your child is unlike any other, and now I know that I could never even try to explain it to someone. She is an angel, a light, a joy, a happpiness. I want to spend every moment I can with her and enjoy all the years that are still to come, waiting with baited breath for all the changes that are also coming, good and bad!

Emmeline, Happy Birthday, mommy loves you very much.
xxxxx