The first beats

Today was my third visit with the obstatrician, to me normally nothing more important than getting my blood pressure and my weight taken. My blood pressure has never been a problem, so I wasn't even thinking about that. My weight . . . well i have been eating every few hours and i am eating more these days! It is true that my sweet tooth has been enhanced by pregnancy, but i am also trying to eat a good mix of food with plenty of vegetable and fruit. The things i am not so good with is the fish (so whenever i am out i order fish) and the pulses (but for that i rely on Xavi's mother!). I have acepted the fact that i will and must put on a certain amount of weight for me and for bump, so i have accepted that i will probably have gained about 2 more kilos taking me up to 68kg's (64kg in November before i knew of existence of bump, 66kgs first doctors visit in december). Again, i wasnt really bothere with that part either.

What was i nervous about??

The doctor was going to be listening to the baby's heartbeat. I had been nervous for about a week or two about this. Why? Well because i felt the baby fluttering in week 14 and a little bit in week 15, but since then, bump has been quiet. I feel flutters sometimes and i feel the exploding bubbles sensations as well, but i was not too sure if this was bump making his/her presence felt, or if i was just imagining it. So i had started to worry that all was not fine and that maybe there was something wrong. Was bump a slow grower, was bump hidden deep in my tummy, was there something bigger wrong?? What if something had gone wrong. It got to the point where i didnt really want to buy any baby things or post any messages about baby just incase. I told Xavi who wisely told me to stop worrying and that everything was fine. He also pointed out with a smile that i was a mother now and that i was going to have many years of worrying infront of me! I felt a flush of the anger of being a parent and knowing that my child would unwillingly (and surely willingly someday) make me worry sick about them! My baby has not even been born yet and i already want to tell him/her off about it!

This morning finally arrived and thankfully i had things to keep me busy all morning and couldnt entertain all those horrible and dark thoughts that you creep up on people making you imagine the worst case scenario! 12:20 arrived and found me and Xavi sitting outside the doctors office armed with magazines as we now know, they are NEVER on time! I swear, doctors and their waiting times are the same all over the world!

So the doctor called us in and took my blood pressure, which was fine as usual. The came the dreaded part, the  . . . weight!! I made sure i took off my shoes to be sure i got an 'accurate and true' measurement.Using Xavi's son as the excuse i mumbled something along the lines of ' It's so  i can be sure i scale at home is right so that we can keep a true track of Yain's weight'. The doctor looked at me like i was crazy, i dont think she believed me for some reason??? Well i was bowled over to learn that i have gained a massive . . . 100grams. How is it that i am eating so much more than before and yet i have only gained a few kilos! Obviously this little baby is helping burn all those uneccesary calories with me! Even more amazing when i think that i have, or actually my stomach has grown out of my jeans! The legs fit fine, but the buttons just do not do up at all! Soooo dissapointing as it means that i really do have to go and buy maternity clothing!! Big elasticated pants!! I was hoping that i wouldnt have to do it, but looks like i do have to.

Then came the important part . . . the listening to the heart! She told me to not be nervous if we couldn't hear the heart and that i should keep calm and basically not freak out because the baby is still quite small so it is not always easy! I lifted up my shirt and she put on the jelly cream stuff, and used the little hand held thingy to try to find the heartbeat. I held my breath and a few seconds later i heard a very fast 'doosh doosh doosh'!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! Bump is fine and living and growing and has a nice strong and very fast heart going on inside of me!! i heaved out a huge sigh a relief and a smile lifted up my whole face. I looked over at Xavi and he had a huge smile on his face to also feeling relived that everything was alright.

I walked out of the doctors office and i have been feeling lightfooted all day long with a permanent smile on my face. Bump is doing fine, and if i cannot feel too much movement at the moment, no problem!

This baby is obviously just a little more lazy like its mother!!

The very beginning

Xavi and I had talked about having a baby quite a lot during our relationship. Xavi already has a son, so he knows the joy that having a child can bring you. I was not so sure and it is safe to say that it was me putting on the breaks going "whoa there tiger, hang on just a little second". The truth is that I have never been a maternal person; I don’t look at children and see these sweet little innocent creations of life, people did not tell me what a great mother I would make one day and I did not look at babies and yearn for one. Truth be told, most children just irritated me (still do) and given the choice between an orang-utan and a baby, I would have chosen the monkey. It's true, I would have!

So imagine my surprise when I found myself thinking about having a baby! But I was shit scared about it all. I was fully aware of the huge responsibility in having a baby. It is not just that your whole life is going to change, it is not just that you will now have to successfully look after yourself and another human being, it is the fact that you are responsible for making a person, You will be giving this little person the experiences, educations, morals etc. to see them through their whole life. You can screw them up! I REALLY do not want to screw up my child!!

However, I found myself thinking yes. Then one night we had an accident and something broke so to speak. We discussed this and decided to not go to the pharmacy to get the morning after pill and to just see what happened. We agreed that if we had made a baby, we would be cool with that. It turns out that we hadn't. But from that night onwards all birth control went out the window. We decided to see what would happen. I didn't tell anyone we were trying, that just sounded to "oooh, we are trying". I also didn't want the questions of "So, any news yet". So obviously I should have been prepared for the fact that I may fall pregnant, but I thought it would take a long time. Then around 2 or 3 months later, just before I was due to get my period, I felt a bit off. I was a smoker, and smoking just started to taste horrible, so I stopped. I just felt eeuuww! A few days went by and I looked at my diary noticing I was a day late. What is a day you may ask yourself? Well for me a day is everything. My period had a habit of coming early and too often, never late. I didn't say anything to anyone as I didn’t want to ring the bell without knowing for sure. A few days later, still no sign. It was agonising wondering if my period had come every 5 minutes. I think that a week later when I walked into the pharmacy, I knew I was pregnant. I bought the test but had to take it out the box, read the instructions, and throw everything away before getting into the flat as xavi was there and I didn’t want him to see the evidence if I was indeed mistaken! So I shoved the test into my pocket, got home went to the toilet and did the test. I had only just pulled up my jeans and I could already see 2 lines. 'Best wait too be sure' I told myself. So I went and made small talk with xavi for the longest 5 minutes ever. There was no need to go and check, but I did anyway and yes, the two lines were still there, bright and clear as anything.

I went outside with the stick and showed xavi asking if he knew what it was. He was like 'Um a thermometer?’ 'No, it is a pregnancy test and it is positive’.... silence ..... 'Xavi, my period is a week late, I am pregnant'!!! He was elated! He gave me a huge hug, a smile was bursting off his face and he had tears in his eyes. We were in shock and we were both a bit like 'Really?'

I decided to go to the pharmacy again and buy another one just to be sure. The pharmacist asked if it was a negative reading, so I explained that it was in fact positive but I wanted to be really sure. She looked at me with a look of 'oh silly little girl' and explained that yes is YES, no doubt about it.

I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. A person was going to be totally dependent on me. Someone was going to call me mommy. I kept the test in my draw and kept looking at it to make sure that really there were 2 lines. I even got xavi to check for me over and over again.

I still have that test, and I still look at the line, they are still there obviously. I don’t think I will ever throw that stick away; it gave me the best news of my life!