Baby girl turns 1!!

Happy Birthday Emmeline!

1 Year already!

I remember my waters breaking (well, they kind of half broke, but anyway), I remember the pain of contractions passing through me for hours, I remember the sweet relief of the epidural, I remember the strangling motion the nurse made when she told the doctor that I had a prolapsed umbilical cord (cord coming out first and baby therefore possibly stopping the flow of oxygen). I remember being wheeled through hospital half naked with a strange women on top of me with half her arm inside of me to stop Emmeline coming any further down, and I remember the speed at which the many doctors in the surgery worked at getting tubes taken out and put in, and I remember being completely knocked out by medication not knowing the fate of my baby.

I remember waking up, feeling semi zonked due to pain medication and exhaustion and Xavi smiling at me asking if I wanted to meet someone. I remember the nurse bringing Emmeline over and putting her in my arms and positioning her to breastfeed. I was lying down and all I could think was "God, I hope she doesn't suffocate on my boob, she is lying face down". Those few days in hospital were a dream for me. We were in a perfect little bubble.

But the days flew by and they haven't stopped flying since then. I have watched her grown from a tiny little raisin into a destructive little angel! I have seen her going from this little thing that was totally immobile and confined to a life of laying on her back only being able to see 30cm in front of her face to being a mini person taking her first tentative steps and hitting mickey mouse for being in the TV. I have watched her grow and learn how to sit, how to roll, how to crawl and how to walk (almost). I have watched her learn to smile, to grin, to giggle, to laugh and to do funny things to you to make everyone laugh. I have watched her change from being fairly blase about who she was with to showing clear signs of joy when she sees us, to crawl up to us and hug our legs, to hold us and kiss us. I have also seen her throw her bowl on the floor in irritation, wriggle out of our arms in frustration and become far too independent and stubborn insisting on doing things herself!

I have watched the light of my life grow so much in one year and it scares the crap out of me. I seem to have this thing in my head that after one, everything goes by really quickly. I feel panicky sometimes and think it is all going to rush by now, like I am going to miss special moments, that as each year passes, it will be another year of her becoming more independent . . . from me! I know this is stupid and unreasonable, but I cant help it. There are still days when I cant believe that she is ours and that we get to keep her. No one is going to come and get her, she doesn't have to go. She gets to stay with us. I want to enjoy every minute I can with her and there are still many days that when she is in bed for the evening, I miss her.

I never believed anyone when they said the love you feel for your child is unlike any other, and now I know that I could never even try to explain it to someone. She is an angel, a light, a joy, a happpiness. I want to spend every moment I can with her and enjoy all the years that are still to come, waiting with baited breath for all the changes that are also coming, good and bad!

Emmeline, Happy Birthday, mommy loves you very much.
xxxxx

The Big 30 - All downhill???

Today I turn 30.

I have wrinkles on my face, cellulite on my arse, stretch marks on my hips, a 10cm scar below my belly.

I don’t own a house. I have no job. I am not married.

On paper my life does not seem very good. Many people would be sad. Possibly even scared.

Not me.

I have wrinkles on my face from laughing so hard it hurt. I have cellulite on my arse from enjoying many happy meals with friends and family. I have stretch marks on my hips from when my body became a home for my unborn baby. That 10 cm scar in how my baby made her entrance into this world.

I don’t own a house as I have been too busy travelling various countries to settle down and buy anything. I don’t have a job as I am privileged enough to be able to stay at home looking after my daughter. I am not married because I do not need a piece of paper to know how much Xavi loves me or to confirm that I will be with him for the rest of my life.

My life may not look good on paper, but I feel like that happiest girl alive.

When I was in my 20’s and I heard people going “oh God, I can’t believe I am turning 30/40/50” and I always answered “ it is just a number you know” to which they looked at me smugly and said “hmph, you will feel different when it is your turn”. Well now that it is my turn I have been asked many times how I feel about turning the big 30? I feel fine about it! I still feel that it is just a number because that is all it is. I have heard people say that when they turned 30 they felt like suddenly they had to turn in to a adult, that they felt more comfortable with themselves and more confident, that they were more sure of themselves and who they were, that they didn’t worry quiet so much about the opinions of other people, that they didn’t feel the need to prove themselves to others. And on the negative side, they felt old, they felt like they should have done more with their lives by now, that they had expected to have more in their lives, that they felt the weight struggle would now become harder, that their biological clocks were ticking, that they should have a family/perfect job/perfect house by this point in their lives.

Why? Why so much expectation for simply turning 30? And it is not just 30, oh no no no! It appears to just start at 30. Let me not start on turning 40 and god forbid we should start on the subject of turning 50! I think some people actually have slight nervous breakdowns at the approach of these “milestones”

Again, why?

Yesterday I was 29, I had a pimple on my chin, I was insecure about my body due to the weight I gained during pregnancy that I still have to lose, I believed in guardian angels and that bullfighting should be banned worldwide. I did not feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I did not feel like a child.

Today I turned 30. The pimple was still on my chin, my insecurities were still there, my beliefs remain the same, I do not have to prove myself to anyone, and I don’t feel like suddenly I have to become an adult.

Nothing changes just because you become a certain age. Change takes place over time. Change takes place depending on whether you want the change or not. Change takes place depending on your experiences, situations, the people you have in your life. Change does not place because you are 30, 40 or 50.

We get old; there is no way to change that. We get wrinkles, we go grey, that fat gets harder to shift, and things go south, way south. But we cannot change that. All we can do is take good care of ourselves and accept things gracefully. Thankfully for women the inventions of light reflecting make up, wonder bras and control pants help us in this ‘fight’ and I think perhaps this is because women don’t accept the aging process as well as men do. We worry about our appearance much more than they do, but that is a whole other blog story.

We should stop having so many expectations about what we should be doing and by what point in our lives, we should stop worrying so much what other people think about us, we should stop trying to prove ourselves, but most of all, we should live our lives to the fullest so that when we reach certain points in our lives, we are not left feeling regret and feeling like we have done nothing with our lives!

Forget if you are turning 30 or 40 or 50. There is simply yesterday, today and tomorrow, make the most of it and forget about these ridiculous hang-ups!

image taken from www.elderoptionsoftexas.com

Happy Birthday to Me

image taken from www.yourcaringangels.com

Happy birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday dear Shannon

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday, my day, it feels special! It feels more special because I have my baby girl with me!

I woke up this early this morning and bought Emmeline into bed with me so we could doze together, but she had other plans and a little after 7am she started to try to gauge my eyes out to wake me up! So up I got but I decided that we would stay in bed for a while. So I went through to the lounge to get my new blackberry phone and saw that Xavi had handmade me some decorations saying ‘feliz cumpleaños’ and loads of hearts for me – such a sweetie. Got my coffee and large bowl of coca pops and got back into bed. I put on my greys anatomy DVD and there I sat with Emmeline watching TV, still in my pj’s and feeling super happy! Xavi cam home briefly, wished me happy birthday and left again giving me time, a lot of time, to get dressed and ready for lunch! I put on a pretty dress, pretty shoes and pretty make up and felt like a girl, thrilled to be leaving the house, my tracksuit bottoms and milk stained t shirt behind me!

We met my parents and went for a lovely meal in Little Italy restaurant in Borne. I opted for the steak, so rare it was practically still moving – just how I like it! Mom and dad bought me some lovely little silver earrings and a beautiful silver bracelet which I have not taken off all weekend! Love them! We had a lovely meal talking; laughing and playing pass the parcel with Emmeline! I get on so well with my parents that it just feelings like I am out with friends! We had a great time however by 3pm I felt pooped! So me and Xavi headed home with an equally tired baby! When we got home, Xavi admitted that he had not bought me anything as he wanted to buy me a pair of shoes in a shop around the corner, but he wanted to be sure that they were what I wanted. Uh of course! More shoes, yaay! I told him that we could go and get them the following day as he was so tired, but around18:30 I changed my mind, pouted at Xavi and off we went to buy them.

But boo hoo, they did not fit nicely! Knee high boots are made for girls with slim calves. Mine are not huge, but they have muscle and larger than the average calf, this makes buying knee highs an absolute nightmare and quite often impossible to find any. I have to opt for boots that finish just below the calf. This means that the beautiful boots that he was going to buy me were bunching just below the calf, something they were not designed to do! So we left empty handed! However fear not, the next day we went shopping and I bought a gorgeous pair of tan brown boots with buckles that finish just below the calf – love them and am so loving my shoe cupboard! Xavi has bought me so many pairs of shoes since we have been together! He really is my fairy god father of shoes! I finished the day by blowing out the candles on the chocolate cake that Xavi bought me and then having 2 large portions of this yummy cake!

All in all a perfect day!