The Loss of all Dignity

I am 9 days away from my due date and I feel that I have officially lost all of my dignity and self confidence . . .

This week I have felt fat, no not pregnant, FAT. My feet have swollen to proportions I didn’t actually even realise were possible. I am left with one pair of flip flops that i can wear, every other pair just will not get over my larger than life feet. Complete strangers actually make comments about my feet and look at me with such pity that I just wish the ground would swallow me up there and then. My thighs have increased in size, probably due to my chocolate obsession, and due to the heat, they are constantly sweating. In fact, if my waters dont break with an undeniable gush, I may not even realise what has happened. My face has swollen and I look like I have not slept for about a week.

Not good.

Eventually one evening, I had a cry on the sofa and xavi gave me a great pep talk and made me feel better. Contented, I fell asleep on the sofa for a little cat nap. He woke me up and then said “oh, how cute”.
I looked down and noticed my nipple had leaked on my vest……………………………..bang went the shred of confidence I had just managed to scrape back!!!! After everything I have done for my body, I am flabbergasted that it went and let me down like that!!! I expected leaking nipples after baby, you know, whilst breastfeeding, but not now. Why now?

Although really, I should not be surprised. My stomach is not the only part of my body that has grown and changed drastically in the last 9 months. (dad if you are reading this this, I advise you to stop. I am about to overshare in a way that will probably scar you for life) My breast have gone through a considerable transformation as well. I am not just talking about the fact that they have grown, or maybe a better description would be that they have grown larger and heavier! The nipples are darker and I understand that this is so that little half blind baby can see what he is going for, the target area so to speak. What I wasn’t prepared for though is the fact that they are also more …. sticky out! Or would ‘longer’ be the best word? I could stack half my winter wardrobe on each side. It is rather alarming and I can only imagine it is so that baby can have something to latch onto and not just slide off my boob in the crucial moment. Still, I am not too sure about this development and can only hope that it is not a permanent one

With my due date approaching rather rapidly, there came another incident which contributed to my loss of all dignity. I had lost sight of my lady bush a few months ago and on a few occasions I had rather dangerously attempted a pruning using a mirror and memory about where everything was. But now was the time to enlist the help of my love and attack the lady bush. I had horrible images in my head of pushing out my little girl and the doctor going “Ooh she has a lovely full head of hair …. oops, my mistake, that is your hair”!! So, I waxed what I could, and then I decided to get some of that Veet cream which just ‘melts’ the hair away to do the rest, and then get Xavi to neaten up whatever I had missed. So off I go to the bathroom, legs at weird angles, Veet cream applied, wait 5 minutes, wash it off. How easy? Xavi cleaned up the rest and 2 hrs after starting this whole process I was good to go! However, as the night wore on, I started to feel a little sensitive in my newly acquired landscaped garden. Eventually I was walking around like a cowboy naked from the waist down. Turns out the Veet should not be applied that close, it burns. Ladies, take note and do not make my mistake, that was not easy to explain to Xavi!

Yes, pregnancy is an amazing, wonderful experience, but it is also a downward spiral to be stripped of all dignity. Between all of this, constant internal exams; exams involving ear buds being inserted into your vagina and your, um, bum; constipation; burnt lady bits; leaking nipples; unexpected bottom burps and a permanent sweaty body, I have now successfully been stripped of any and all dignity that I had about 9 months ago.

Now all that is left is to push a giant baby out of my vagina and have a poo in the delivery room whilst xavi is watching.