Emmeline has now officially started baby school! In Spain it is called guarderia, I don't know what the exact translation is, but I imagine it is something like creche or pre school. Whatever, it is the school that little one year olds can go to!
So today was her first day and therefore it was also my first day. I had totally mixed emotions about this. You see, for the whole short 13 months of little Emmeline's life, I have been with her every day pretty much all day. Xavi's parents live down the coast, so she is not with them very often, and my parents are not here that all the time so she has not been with them very often either. Xavi works and I don't and so I am with her all day long. I was worried about leaving her with strangers without her mommy or her daddy as she is mostly only with us and not with other people. I have seen her reaction when I have left her with people she didn't feel comfortable with, and it broke my heart. I really hated the thought of her being in any kind of distress whatsoever! I didn't want to be away from her, I didn't want to miss out on time with her, I didn't want to not be there whenever she needed me. The thought of other people, strangers, being with her all morning and sharing things with her killed me. The thought of these other people sharing things with her for the first time or her doing some of those 'firsts' with them and not me . . . I didn't like it!
But then there was the other side of it as well, the 'selfish' side. Really it is not selfish at all, but as a mother I am now realising that guilt is one of those emotions that we feel on a daily basis about all sorts of things that are relevant and mostly not relevant. I thought about the luxury of having a whole 3.5hrs to myself! All to myself! Well, until I find a job anyway!! 3.5 hrs doesn't sound like much now does it? What could you do in that time? How could you even call it a luxury? Well if you are a mother to a small child then you will know that an entire 3.5 hrs without a little one doing one or all of the following is an absolute luxury:
Either whinging or crying for no apparent reason other than they like the sound they can make
Trying to climb up your leg like you are some kind of a tree whilst you are washing the dishes
Screaming at you when, god forbid, you should close the bathroom door to have a wee
Throwing books at you to say "read mother, read"
"Helping" you to unpack all the dish clothes or the pile of laundry that you have just folded
Slowly bringing you every single toy they own to show you
Or simply your own guilt when you haven't played with them as long as they want!!!!
3.5 Hours without this chaos seemed like a dream. I needed the break, I needed some time for me, I needed to be able to do my things without a million interruptions! Did I feel guilty about this? Hell yes!!
So along came day one. Knots in my stomach but trying to not let Emmeline feel this. The morning didn't go well, I was tired and therefore equipped with less patience then normal and she was being difficult. Not the best combination. So off we went to school. We got there are there were all the parents with their little ones, some coming to school for the first time, and some returning after the holidays. Noe of them looked too pleased. Emmeline looked somewhat overwhelmed by what was going on. Poor thing had no idea what I was about to do! I went over to where some nursery assistants were with some other little ones. One of them suggested I put Emmeline down with the other kids to see how she was. I put her down and she showed a slight interest in this other baby and I decided to choose this moment to leave. In hindsight I think it would have been better to actually say goodbye to her and let her see me go because as I got downstairs I had this horrible image in my head of Emmeline turning around to find me or come to me and I wasn't there. She wouldnt' be able to see me and she wouldn't know where I had gone.
I walked away from the nursery and thought 'well ok, I am not crying, Great'. The Xavi phoned me to find out how it went and how I was. Well, out came the little slow running fountain of tears that I had been suppressing. I had to find a little doorway in the street to have a blub whilst I spoke to him! Then I spoke to my mom, explained how it went and blubbed some more! I aimlessly wondered around the supermarket waiting for the time to pass so that I could go and fetch my baby! Now the way that the nursery does it is that they recommend that you leave your baby there for a short amount of time the first day and each day you increase the time so that they can slowly get used to it. I had decided on . . . . half an hour! I know, it may seem a little or it may seem a lot depending on how you are looking at it! I had contemplated leaving her for only 15 minutes, but I knew that was just silliness!
Finally half an hour passed by and I practically ran back to school to get Emmeline. Now I thought that the parents suffered on the first day, but you should think about the people working at the nursery. All I could hear were various children screaming, crying, howling for mommy and daddy, you name it! These poor girls would have a while day of this! Ouch!
In I went and there was my little girl sitting on the floor with some other babies. She was not crying, but she also wasn't smiling! she looked confused and overwhelmed as if to say "what the hell is going on here?" Apparently she had cried for about 2 seconds after I left and that was it! So much for missing mommy! Ha ha ha ha!! When the nursery assistant bought Emmeline over my little girl leant over and gave mommy a lovely big hug!
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
