The Vaccinations .....

Getting Emmeline’s vaccinations have felt as though I am starring in Dumb and Dumber or candid camera or something like that! It has all been rather incredible!

It all began with her 1 month vaccinations. She was scheduled to have them on Monday 20 September. Just thinking about it made me nervous for her. My poor little girl getting stuck with needles for the first time in her life while the nurse uttered th most ridiculous lie ever “you will just feel a little pinch”! It is never a little pinch, it is pain, and they are stabbing you with a needle for god’s sakes! However a few days before she was due to go in, she caught a cold from me, her first one! I felt awful for her as there was nothing I could do to make it better. Knowing that I was then going to be taking her down to the doctors where they were going to give her the vaccinations and make her feel worse just broke my heart! By Monday, she was definitely sick, I didn’t know if they could still vaccinate her or not, so we went down anyway. Let me explain that my doctors are not close by. We have to take a 20 minute metro ride and a 10 minute walk to get there. I could change to a doctor’s surgery that is closer, but I know the ladies down there as I have been going for 5 years. The paediatrician is the same paediatrician for yaincoa, and they always treat us well. So we schlep down there every time we need to go. Anyway, off we go on Monday. The paediatrician asks us how we are and I explain that Emmeline appears to be sick. She agrees and we decide to not give her the vaccinations. She didn’t have a fever or anything, but we just thought it would be kinder to wait a week until Emmeline was over her cold and not make her feel worse now. So off we went and I took my sick little angel home heaving a sigh of relief that we didn’t have to face the dreaded needle today!

The following Monday rolled by and my little girl was all better. So off we trundle to get the metro followed by the walk to the surgery. At first we wait outside the paediatrician’s office, but I notice that no one seems to be calling us and it is now about 15 minutes past our appointment. I cautiously knock on the door (they hate when you do that and actually have signs on the doors to say that if they door is closed, don’t knock, they are busy. No one really seems to pay attention!) I go in asking the paediatrician if we will be called soon. She asks what it is for, and then tells me that I actually have to go to where the nurses are so that they can administer the vaccination. Crap! Now we are late and it is lunchtime. Please don't say they have all left! We race over and I explain the situation to the nurses. She tells us to have seat and they will start to organise the necessary in order to give Emmeline her shots. We sit, we wait. Emmeline starts to cry. I think that she can feel my nerves and it is rubbing off on her. I have butterflies in my tummy and I cannot sit still.  After a 10 minute wait the nurse comes out and tells us that unfortunately they are unable to administer her vaccinations today due to the fact that ..... They have none in stock!!!

SERIOUSLY?

"Mommy, why is that lady coming near me with a needle in her hand?"

Why is it that no one had the sense to check the vaccinations that morning, and then check the list of people due to get vaccinated, and then they could have seen that they were short. They could have either ordered more, or better yet, they could have phoned me to tell me to not bother to drag my daughter and myself out of the house and waste our time! But of course, I can’t say that to them, I hate confrontation and I always think that it is best to stay on the good side of everyone in your doctor’s surgery! They reschedule us for the following Monday, I nod, I pile my child back into the Baby Bjorn and off we trundle back to the smelly metro and back home having successfully wasted about 2 hrs of our tie that we will never ever be able to get back.

So the following Monday arrives and we do the whole thing again. I head straight over to the nurses area and prepare myself for another problem, who knows, random robbery of all vaccinations? We wait. A nurse comes out and asks why we are there, so I hand over my little paper with the details of the vaccination and today’s date being the latest on a list of scribbled out dates from previous weeks. She looks confused and mutters something like ‘no, I don’t think .....’ I didn’t catch the rest because I interrupted and little too sternly explaining that yes, we were getting vaccinations today. She told us to have a seat and off she skedaddled. My patience started to rapidly disappear when 25 minutes later we were still waiting and I had just seen the same nurse come back with my little piece of paper in her hand avoiding looking at me. No, no, no! This had better not happen again! Eventually she called us in; it was going to happen, finally! Emmeline was sleeping, so I had to wake her up and pull down her pants and hold onto her legs strongly so she didn’t move them. In went the first shot, I wasn’t holding strong enough and her leg moved hurting her even more! The nurse went to the other side and told me to hold stronger. Emmeline was wailing in my arms and I was getting a lump in my throat. In went the second shot. A few more seconds of wailing, then a yelp or two, then silence, and then she went back to sleep! The nurse was super unhelpful and just went ‘Esta’ basically meaning ‘that’s it’ and she left! Wow, you really excelled at the how to treat people part of your nurse raining didn’t you? Cow.

Along came 4 months. Time for more vaccinations.

The paediatrician Marta had previously explained to me that we could get an optional extra private vaccination for Emmeline that was for flu and gastro or something like that. I agree that would get it. She tells me that as it is private “tienes que pagar” meaning you have to pay. No problem I think, I will bring cash with me next time to pay for it. This vaccination is scheduled for 27 October. I trundle down and prepare myself to be relaxed so that Emmeline doesn’t feel my nerves. We wait for 15 minutes and in we go. It is the other paediatrician, Lada. I am talking to her whilst I get Emmeline out of the Baby Bjorn and onto the table. Lada asks me if I have the vaccination. I go over and get out my vaccination papers to give to her. ‘No cariño, la vacuna’, no darling, the vaccination. I look at her blankly and feel my heart fall into my shoes. I explain that Marta told me I had to pay for it. Lada shakes her head and informs me that what Marta meant is that I actually have to buy the bloody stupid thing from the pharmacist.

SERIOUSLY?

In Spanish, ‘pagar’ is pay, ‘comprar’ is buy. Apparently even though Marta said pagar, that actually meant I have to buy it. I shake my head, put Emmeline back in the Baby Bjorn and get my new appointment. We have to wait a few weeks so that we can do the private vaccination and the standard one at the same time. Rescheduled for 22 November. We leave gobsmacked.

22 November sees us back in the doctors surgery all prepared. I had bought the vaccinations from our local pharmacy a few days earlier and had placed in directly in the baby bag so I wouldn’t forget it. In we go, baby out of Baby Bjorn and back on the table. Lada asks me if I bought it today. No, a few days ago. She asks me if I stored it in the fridge. I stop, Emmeline half out of her jacket, slowly turn around and simply say “what?” apparently the vaccination has to be stored in the fridge.

SERIOUSLY???

NO ONE TOLD ME THAT. I look around the room thinking ‘is there a camera in here’. Nope. Why, why, why? I slowly dress my child. I spent 60euros on that vaccination that was now useless. Lada rescheduled and suggested that I try to get the pharmacy to change that vaccination. I feel like someone is having a joke at my expense. I go to the pharmacist and explain my problem. She feels really bad as she tells me there is nothing that they can do. I have to walk out quickly as I feel the tears coming. I cannot afford to spend another 60 Euros on another vaccination! I go home and explain it to xavi whilst the tears fall down my cheeks onto my sleeping child’s head. Xavi takes the box, heads down to the pharmacy, comes back telling me that yes, they will change it. They felt really bad about it all as well.

The following week and I am in the doctors room with my daughter lying on the table, her pants pulled down to expose her chubby little legs – perfect for stabbing the 2 little needles filled with vaccinations!! Lada tells me to hold her hands against her chest, I do and I lovingly look into my daughters eyes talking to her calmly trying to distract her. The first needle goes in. Emmeline's eyes open wide. She looks into my eyes and silently asks ’what happened mommy? That hurt! Why? I trusted you’ and then she starts to cry. I calm her and a few seconds later we do it again in her other leg. She cries for a few seconds and then starts to laugh at Lada. We walk out all vaccinated at last, but I still find myself looking around for a camera as I cannot believe what we have been through just to get here!

I am left wondering what could possibly happen at the 6 months vaccinations????

Sleep deprivation

Sleep deprivation - a sufficient lack of restorative sleep over a cumulative period so as to cause physical or psychiatric symptoms and affect routine performances of tasks.



Emmeline clearly does not suffer sleep deprivation



That is how the dictionary describes it. This is now my life. I had to look it up to check if it could explain how I feel some days, and it comes close, but may days, the word ‘tired’ doesn’t seem sufficient. It seems such a weak word to describe something so big!

I have a new born baby whom I am breastfeeding. Of course I am sleep deprived.  However, I sometimes feel weird saying this to people. Why? Because they all just give you that superficial ‘oh shame’ look and nod their heads swiftly moving on with the conversation. They just don’t seem to believe me!

I think that generally people fall into 3 categories.

• Those that cannot even begin to imagine the sleep deprivation that you are feeling as they have never experienced anything similar.
• Those that think you are just exaggerating “oh, all mothers say that. Ha ha ha”.
• Those that think you should just accept it and get on with things. ‘You had a baby, what did you expect?’

Maybe I am totally wrong, but it is how I feel, I feel guilty to tell people how crap I actually feel some days due to lack of sleep because they probably think I am just exaggerating. I AM NOT. Take your worst ‘ooh I am so shattered’ day and multiply it by around 50. EVERY DAY. ALL DAY. ALL NIGHT!

My baby girl Emmeline is now more than 4 months old. However my lack of sleep began way before she was born. It began when I fell pregnant. Back then it was due to a large number of reasons such as the need to go to the toilet 5 times a night, the increase in body temperature, the increase in the size of my tummy meaning that I could only sleep on my side (not so comfortable for me), the hunger pains, and again the need to go to the toilet 5 times a night. But my sleep deprivation took a drastic increase with the arrival of my little girl.

I am breastfeeding her which means that I cannot share night time feeds with my partner. He would love to help, but he is lacking in essential equipment! Anyway, I don’t see the point in Xavi waking up to ‘give me the baby’ and share my hell. What is the point? Seriously? So that we can both just be exhausted the next day but at least we get to say ‘Oh yeah, Xavi wakes up and helps’. Why? To show how he shares responsibility? He does a lot for Emmeline during the day so dont need him to show me anything during the evenings. Yes, I could express milk and he could bottle feed her, but I would much rather prefer that he gets a good night sleep so that he can be fine at work (he wakes up very early and he has a physical job). Plus, I really need him to be in a good mood, because depending on how tired I am , I may not be so rosy, and I need him to not only support me, I need him to put up with me and my irritability. Anyway, Emmeline sleeps right next to me, so I would wake up even if xavi did the feedings. Our close proximity does mean that I am aware of her every move and her every sound. She whimpers and I wake up. She strains to go to the toilet making noises and kicking and tensing her legs, I am right there with my eyes open cheering her on to get that poo out. My little one eats a lot. No more than other babies I am sure, but a lot anyway, so she whimpers for boob a lot as well.. I am very happy to be able to satisfy her appetite, and I will wake up as many times as I need to for her. I will do what she needs. . .

But my god I am tired!

I think that before I had Emmeline I must have thought that all mothers just said that they were tired, but really that they could not have been quite so tired. Boy has karma kicked me in the arse for that thought. I could never have imagined how I would feel, so I guess I just never really believed or appreciated other mother’s pain. From the beginning, Emmeline has always woken up a lot. So many nights it feels like my head has just hit the pillow and I have to get up again for her. For a long time, until past 3 months old, she was waking every 2 or 3 hours. Some nights she could do 4 hours, some nights we would wake up exactly every hour. You may think to yourself ‘Well, 3 straight hours of sleep isn’t bad’. Oh no my friend, it is not 3 hrs. You see, when we say she woke every 2 hrs, it is actually 2 hrs between the time she started her last feeding and the time she starts her next one. What generally happens is something like this: 02:00am baby wakes, stumble out of bed, groggily attach baby to boob, play endless rounds of free trial Tetris games on my mobile to not fall asleep on baby, burp baby, optional poo to then change, attempt to attach baby to other boob, watch Xavi turning over taking all my blankets with him, huff and puff irritably no avail, look down and see baby is fast asleep, put baby back in crib, go to toilet, suddenly feel hungry so quietly grab a biscuit from the biscuit tin, go back to bed, climb into bed noting that it is 02:30 ish. Attempt to fall asleep. Great, get to do it all again at 04:00am. Not pretty. There are times that I do have to hold my head in my hands and just go ‘Oh Emmeline, really?’ when I have to get up regularly during the nights. And the minute I have had this slight moment of impatience, I feel bad and guilty even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I would hear of other people’s baby’s sleeping 8, 10 or even 12 hrs and would wonder why I did to piss Mother Nature off so badly that she gave me a baby allergic to sleep. Was I doing something wrong? The one time that Emmeline slept for 6 hours, I bounded out of bed like a bloody panther to make sure she was still breathing!

When you are deprived of sleep on such a constant basis, you are no longer tired. You are so much more. It is not just that your eyes have that burning sensation that is normally the result of a night out and too few hours sleep. Your body feels tired, your brain feels slow, you can hardly think straight, you can’t really follow conversations at a normal rate. Then there are your emotions, they are stretched to the limit. I get irritated when I haven’t slept enough, irritated and generally feel on the verge of crying. Then I get irritated about being so ready to cry. I lose my patience and my temper with those around me. I just generally tend to have no time for anyone. I feel like half a person. The other half left me to go and get some shut eye somewhere.

I am optimistic that there is light at the end of my sleep deprived tunnel, and almost every night I go to bed I think “is this the night she sleeps for 6, 7, or 8 hours straight?” I am always hopeful that yes it is. I am still waiting. I told myself it will get better when she is 4 and a half months, or when she is 5 months, or when she is on solids. I motivate myself thinking well I have done it for this long, I can keep going.

Then some bitch on the internet stated that this will continue into the first year!

Someone please tell me that she is totally wrong!!!!!!!