The Loss of all Dignity

I am 9 days away from my due date and I feel that I have officially lost all of my dignity and self confidence . . .

This week I have felt fat, no not pregnant, FAT. My feet have swollen to proportions I didn’t actually even realise were possible. I am left with one pair of flip flops that i can wear, every other pair just will not get over my larger than life feet. Complete strangers actually make comments about my feet and look at me with such pity that I just wish the ground would swallow me up there and then. My thighs have increased in size, probably due to my chocolate obsession, and due to the heat, they are constantly sweating. In fact, if my waters dont break with an undeniable gush, I may not even realise what has happened. My face has swollen and I look like I have not slept for about a week.

Not good.

Eventually one evening, I had a cry on the sofa and xavi gave me a great pep talk and made me feel better. Contented, I fell asleep on the sofa for a little cat nap. He woke me up and then said “oh, how cute”.
I looked down and noticed my nipple had leaked on my vest……………………………..bang went the shred of confidence I had just managed to scrape back!!!! After everything I have done for my body, I am flabbergasted that it went and let me down like that!!! I expected leaking nipples after baby, you know, whilst breastfeeding, but not now. Why now?

Although really, I should not be surprised. My stomach is not the only part of my body that has grown and changed drastically in the last 9 months. (dad if you are reading this this, I advise you to stop. I am about to overshare in a way that will probably scar you for life) My breast have gone through a considerable transformation as well. I am not just talking about the fact that they have grown, or maybe a better description would be that they have grown larger and heavier! The nipples are darker and I understand that this is so that little half blind baby can see what he is going for, the target area so to speak. What I wasn’t prepared for though is the fact that they are also more …. sticky out! Or would ‘longer’ be the best word? I could stack half my winter wardrobe on each side. It is rather alarming and I can only imagine it is so that baby can have something to latch onto and not just slide off my boob in the crucial moment. Still, I am not too sure about this development and can only hope that it is not a permanent one

With my due date approaching rather rapidly, there came another incident which contributed to my loss of all dignity. I had lost sight of my lady bush a few months ago and on a few occasions I had rather dangerously attempted a pruning using a mirror and memory about where everything was. But now was the time to enlist the help of my love and attack the lady bush. I had horrible images in my head of pushing out my little girl and the doctor going “Ooh she has a lovely full head of hair …. oops, my mistake, that is your hair”!! So, I waxed what I could, and then I decided to get some of that Veet cream which just ‘melts’ the hair away to do the rest, and then get Xavi to neaten up whatever I had missed. So off I go to the bathroom, legs at weird angles, Veet cream applied, wait 5 minutes, wash it off. How easy? Xavi cleaned up the rest and 2 hrs after starting this whole process I was good to go! However, as the night wore on, I started to feel a little sensitive in my newly acquired landscaped garden. Eventually I was walking around like a cowboy naked from the waist down. Turns out the Veet should not be applied that close, it burns. Ladies, take note and do not make my mistake, that was not easy to explain to Xavi!

Yes, pregnancy is an amazing, wonderful experience, but it is also a downward spiral to be stripped of all dignity. Between all of this, constant internal exams; exams involving ear buds being inserted into your vagina and your, um, bum; constipation; burnt lady bits; leaking nipples; unexpected bottom burps and a permanent sweaty body, I have now successfully been stripped of any and all dignity that I had about 9 months ago.

Now all that is left is to push a giant baby out of my vagina and have a poo in the delivery room whilst xavi is watching.

Boy or Girl?

So I am almost 5 months pregnant and I have no idea if I am going to have a girl or a boy. I am not one of those intuitive people women who just knows, I am more of a Murphy’s Law kinda girl.

Xavi has an 8-year-old son who we have every other week, so I have my quota of boys in the house for the moment. I have done the rough play fighting and I lasted all of about 3 minutes before giving in to the inner girl and going “ooh, not too strong”. I have struggled to understand why when we are out walking in the country instead of picking flowers, he kicks and throws stones at things. I have played with cars and not dolls, and have ruffled his short hair many times while watching motorbike shows….. I have also been given many little flowers, I have had the door opened for me, and I have been told how pretty I am by my little 7-year-old gentleman. My point is that I have my little boy even if he is not mine by blood and if it is only every other week.

For this reason if you ask me what I want, my truthful answer is that I would like a little girl. I would like to do the little girl things as well. But being a Murphys Law kinda girl, I reckon I will have a boy. However, while I think it may be a boy, I am not going to tell people this, because I do not want to end up with egg on my face if I am wrong and I also do not want to appear like one of these mother earth types who gushes “I just KNOW it is a boy!! I can feel it!”

However my reserved opinion seems to go unnoticed. Every one has an opinion as to whether it will be a boy or a girl depending on some part of my physical appearence!

I have been told that as I am looking pretty, it will be a girl (because boys exhaust you from the very beginning).
I have been told that as I am looking pretty, it will be a boy.
I have been told that since my tummy is small, it will be a girl.
I have been told that since my tummy is big, it will be a boy.
I have been told that since I have few symptoms, it will be a girl.
I have been told that since I have many symptoms, it will be a boy.
I have been told it will be a girl, ‘just a feeling’
I have been told it will be a boy, ‘just a feeling’

Now some people sound convinced in their opinions and I ask myself ‘Are you not worried about getting that egg on your face?’ What will they say when I have to break the news that it is x and not y? In the end, I will wind up feeling guilty at proving them wrong when really it is not my fault that they are so sure about the status of my unborn bump!

The truth is that as long as it is healthy, I am happy both ways. If I have a girl, I can do all those little girl things I cannot do right now, and if I have a little boy, I gain another little gentleman in the house and I get to learn even more about which is better, Porsche or Ferrari??

The first beats

Today was my third visit with the obstatrician, to me normally nothing more important than getting my blood pressure and my weight taken. My blood pressure has never been a problem, so I wasn't even thinking about that. My weight . . . well i have been eating every few hours and i am eating more these days! It is true that my sweet tooth has been enhanced by pregnancy, but i am also trying to eat a good mix of food with plenty of vegetable and fruit. The things i am not so good with is the fish (so whenever i am out i order fish) and the pulses (but for that i rely on Xavi's mother!). I have acepted the fact that i will and must put on a certain amount of weight for me and for bump, so i have accepted that i will probably have gained about 2 more kilos taking me up to 68kg's (64kg in November before i knew of existence of bump, 66kgs first doctors visit in december). Again, i wasnt really bothere with that part either.

What was i nervous about??

The doctor was going to be listening to the baby's heartbeat. I had been nervous for about a week or two about this. Why? Well because i felt the baby fluttering in week 14 and a little bit in week 15, but since then, bump has been quiet. I feel flutters sometimes and i feel the exploding bubbles sensations as well, but i was not too sure if this was bump making his/her presence felt, or if i was just imagining it. So i had started to worry that all was not fine and that maybe there was something wrong. Was bump a slow grower, was bump hidden deep in my tummy, was there something bigger wrong?? What if something had gone wrong. It got to the point where i didnt really want to buy any baby things or post any messages about baby just incase. I told Xavi who wisely told me to stop worrying and that everything was fine. He also pointed out with a smile that i was a mother now and that i was going to have many years of worrying infront of me! I felt a flush of the anger of being a parent and knowing that my child would unwillingly (and surely willingly someday) make me worry sick about them! My baby has not even been born yet and i already want to tell him/her off about it!

This morning finally arrived and thankfully i had things to keep me busy all morning and couldnt entertain all those horrible and dark thoughts that you creep up on people making you imagine the worst case scenario! 12:20 arrived and found me and Xavi sitting outside the doctors office armed with magazines as we now know, they are NEVER on time! I swear, doctors and their waiting times are the same all over the world!

So the doctor called us in and took my blood pressure, which was fine as usual. The came the dreaded part, the  . . . weight!! I made sure i took off my shoes to be sure i got an 'accurate and true' measurement.Using Xavi's son as the excuse i mumbled something along the lines of ' It's so  i can be sure i scale at home is right so that we can keep a true track of Yain's weight'. The doctor looked at me like i was crazy, i dont think she believed me for some reason??? Well i was bowled over to learn that i have gained a massive . . . 100grams. How is it that i am eating so much more than before and yet i have only gained a few kilos! Obviously this little baby is helping burn all those uneccesary calories with me! Even more amazing when i think that i have, or actually my stomach has grown out of my jeans! The legs fit fine, but the buttons just do not do up at all! Soooo dissapointing as it means that i really do have to go and buy maternity clothing!! Big elasticated pants!! I was hoping that i wouldnt have to do it, but looks like i do have to.

Then came the important part . . . the listening to the heart! She told me to not be nervous if we couldn't hear the heart and that i should keep calm and basically not freak out because the baby is still quite small so it is not always easy! I lifted up my shirt and she put on the jelly cream stuff, and used the little hand held thingy to try to find the heartbeat. I held my breath and a few seconds later i heard a very fast 'doosh doosh doosh'!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! Bump is fine and living and growing and has a nice strong and very fast heart going on inside of me!! i heaved out a huge sigh a relief and a smile lifted up my whole face. I looked over at Xavi and he had a huge smile on his face to also feeling relived that everything was alright.

I walked out of the doctors office and i have been feeling lightfooted all day long with a permanent smile on my face. Bump is doing fine, and if i cannot feel too much movement at the moment, no problem!

This baby is obviously just a little more lazy like its mother!!