A little boy in danger??

In the beginning of my relationship with xavi I always felt a little bit sorry for yaincoa for having a very small family. He had his daddy and his mommy and Xavi’s parents with whom yaincoa spent almost every weekend. He is very close to his grandparents for this. But that was it. Xavi’s brother died in a car accident when xavi was 16, so yaincoa didn’t have an uncle and therefore no cousins. On the upside he did get to know the children of Xavi’s cousins who he gets to see every now and then, but not too often. But that is it for family on Xavi’s side.

The side of the mother, the wicked witch, is bigger. She has her mother, her father, a sister and 2 brothers. However not too long after Yaincoa was born, she cut off all contact with them. Up until last year, she told yaincoa that her parents died in an airplane crash. I think that this was totally unnecessary as it may give fears to a child about airplanes without any reason. Why not simply say that they lived in a different country so he couldn’t see them. Why did she cut off all contact with her family? The story she told Xavi and many, many of her friends is that her father abused her when she was a child and that her mother knew what was going on and simply turned a blind eye. When I heard this story I honestly did not know whether to believe it. I still don’t. For a start, if something like this has happened to you, it is not something that you go around telling everyone. It is something you are ashamed by and something you keep to yourself only telling a very few people. Why tell so many friends? Then I wondered why did she wait until she was 30 years old to cut them off? Why not sooner? Then I thought well ok, I can understand not talking to your parents, but why would you also cut off your 2 brothers and your sister? On the other hand I thought it would probably explain some of the wicked witch’s issues.

I felt bad for yaincoa as he had 2 uncles, and aunt and possible cousins that he didn’t even know. His childhood could have been different. He could have had many more family moments and had more of an idea of family and uncles, aunts, cousins etc. But I didn’t think about it much more until last year.

We were sitting on a terrace outside a bar having a juice with yaincoa when suddenly there was one of wicked witch’s brothers. Xavi and Arturo greeted each other like long lost friends, briefly commenting on the wicked witch and the difficulty xavi has with her. Arturo made a comment along the lines of he knew exactly how his sister was.  Xavi then introduced Arturo to Yaincoa saying ‘this is mommy’s brother’. Arturo then mentioned that he was going to visit his mother and father in front of Yaincoa. The same mother and father that wicked witch had previously explained died in an airplane crash. Me and xavi were both watching Yain thinking ‘shit, shit, shit! How is he going to accept this? What is he going to think? Does he remember the story about his grandparents dying in an airplane crash? Has he realised that Arturo’s parents are his grandparents? What has wicked witch said about her brother? Does he even know he has an uncle? Does he even understand?’ yaincoa didn’t really seem to understand. Xavi gently mentioned the airplane crash, but (thankfully) yaincoa did not seem to remember anything! I told xavi that it was best and as far as his uncle was concerned, maybe he didn’t really get it, maybe he didn’t know it was his uncle as his idea of family had been mommy, daddy, grandparents. We didn’t say anything more to yaincoa as we didn’t want to open up a hornets’ nest.

The following week wicked witch received the court papers from us to her for not paying her share of the custody. She went ballistic and she then contacted her other brother Alberto. Xavi had heard that Yaincoa had met this brother and so he sent him and email congratulating him on the birth of his daughter and saying that he was very happy that Yaincoa was getting to know them all. Wicked witch had apparently already managed to weave her web around this brother as he never replied and when we met him he never said a word to us, despite us greeting him.

Over time we then heard that Yaincoa had met the mother of wicked witch. Xavi felt a little unsure about this one as wicked witch had said many bad things about her. After making contact with her own mother, wicked witch phoned Xavi’s mom and called her own mother a whore saying that she didn’t want to be with her and she didn’t want to leave yaincoa with her, but then she would organise to meet up with her mother and Yaincoa in the park on various occasions. She was playing everyone. Xavi accepted this as from what he could hear; they never been to the grandparents flat.

Then the Christmas holidays came. By this time we had heard how yaincoa had been with his uncle Alberto on many occasions. We discovered that most days of the holidays that he was with his mother; she left him with his grandmother in the flat with his grandfather. This is the same man who apparently abused her as a child. Through conversation we discovered that wicked witch did not enter the flat. This has continued throughout January.

So it seems that she herself would not enter the flat supposedly for what her father did to her, but yes she would leave her only child in the flat with a supposed abuser and the woman who apparently turned a blind eye to the whole thing?

We could not believe it. Xavi phoned her and asked her what was going on, and asked if her stories about her father were true. She confirmed that yes, they were! When xavi asked how it was possible that she was taking yaincoa to the flat of this man, her response was that it was because Xavi didn’t help her (total crap, she hadn’t even asked) and because Xavi’s parents live far away – 1.5hrs away, not exactly far away. Now I am sure that everyone agrees that there is no reason on this earth that you would leave your child in the house of a man who you claim abused you. NEVER and for no reason at all. Especially not as she never asked xavi for help and because she has been taking yaincoa to Xavi’s parents for 8 years, they haven’t moved, they live where they have always lived. Nothing has changed.  You would take your child to any other place other than the flat of a supposed abuser.

The other side of the coin is what if she was lying? What is she cut off contact with her family for some other reason and she then made up the story as she always likes to play the victim in every situation? What if she denied her parent’s access to their grandson or some other reason? And what if she was going around all of Barcelona telling people her father was an abuser. What kind of person would do that? What kind of person would make up that story about her family and about herself? Why would you lie and tell people you were abused as a child when you weren’t? What must be wrong in your head to do that?

So here we are in the position of not knowing whether Xavi’s son is spending time in the house of a possible abuser or not.

Or whether the mother of yaincoa is so messed up she would make up these stories.

We have sent an email to wicked witch’s brother explain and asking him if this is true or not. We don’t know what else to do. Do you send the other brother the same email; do you send the mother the same message, or the other sister? Or will wicked witch just say that xavi is lying to try to hurt her.

Lawyers can’t do anything either, there are no reports against the father.

So can someone please tell me what the hell are we supposed to do?

The truth about me and the other mother

Xavi has a son from a previous relationship, a beautiful, wonderful little 8 year old boy. The same cannot be said for the mother of this little boy. I have had a thorn in my side for almost 5 years; she is about 1meter 48 tall, has long brown hair and goes by the nickname of the wicked witch. This is not your typical story about the new girlfriend not liking the ex partner of the boyfriend, this story if fairly unique. Let me tell you the story about me and the other mother.

Some people ask me why I dislike Yaincoa’s mother so much and I am sure that many people think that I am biased, I am taking Xavi’s side in the seperation or it is due to some unfounded jealousy due to her and xavi having a child together. I will admit that in the beginning of our relationship I was insecure about xavi and the wicked witch getting back together as they have a son together. I imagined situations that could occur between them and felt scared. She was the mother of his child, I was the tourist who was from a different culture and didn’t speak the language. However a few months into our relationship, I quickly realised that xavi would never go back there.  For a long time I tried to encourage xavi to put aside all the bad that wicked witch had done to him and try to be the better person for the sake of yaincoa. I encouraged him to shelve his feelings and to try again and again and again with her.

After a while that changed. I started to see what wicked witch was really like; I started to see her true side. She has two sides. I have seen both. she has hated me for most of the 5 years xavi and I have been together, but at one brief point, she showed me the side she shows people sometimes, not the real her as this side of her only appears for brief periods. But when she showed it to me, it could have made me think ‘what a great person’ if I didn’t already know what she was really like. Let me explain. I will try to be as brief as possible, but I don’t know if I will manage.

In the beginning I witnessed her threatening xavi with yaincoa along the lines of ‘this weekend you won’t see your son, you can’t have him’ etc. She knows how sensitive xavi is and she would make these threats but never follow through, she would do it to hurt him. For the first few years of our relationship she would still make moves towards xavi. She would answer the door in her pants, she would suggest they get back together for the benefit of yaincoa, she would wear a sexy little practically see through black dress to a school meeting when she knew xavi would be there, when she found out we were having some money problems, she would offer to xavi that he (and not me) could sleep in her flat, and after me being with xavi (and therefore yaincoa) for a year, she tried to prohibit me from going to Yaincoa’s baptism. And when I did go, she did not say a word to me and instead tried to play a game of how close she was to Xavi’s parents by holding her mother’s hand and telling her how much she loved her in front of me. Apparently not something she had done before. She now simply refers to me as ‘the other one’. I think that I have my own personal reasons just on this alone to dislike her.

But it is not only for that.

The father who would do anything for his son

I have seen her being sweet and friendly to Xavi and I have seen her saying all the right things. I have then seen her insult him and being more vulgar than I have ever seen anyone being. She has told lies about xavi to people who used to be her friends (and who are now our friends) and she has called Xavi a bastard behind his back in front of other parents at Yaincoa’s school. In emails only from last year she has called xavi a liar 16 times, told him that any problem with yaincoa is ‘uniquely and exclusively’ his fault 6 times, called him selfish 5 times, told him he has a mouth full of shit twice, told xavi that he is traumatising / destroying / screwing up the life of yaincoa 8 times, calls him a closet gay 4 times, called him a bad son a bad father and a bad person various times. She has also told him that he doesn’t respect her various times. Yet somehow she feels all the insulting and name calling she does is not a lack of respect. What has xavi called her? Nothing, I read every single one of his emails. What has he done to get these responses from her? He has, at the most, been a nag. About what? About trying to get her to be more responsible with regards to her son as I am about to describe. I have seen her lie to xavi repeatedly, I have seen her insult him repeatedly, I have seen her do everything she can to hurt xavi and cause him as much pain and distress as possible. Just for this I think that I would have enough reason to dislike her

But it is not only for that.

I have then seen how she is with her son. A sweet and innocent little boy who loves and adores his mother but who comes with his fair share of problems. I have heard how after a few months of being with xavi she talked about wanting a baby. Xavi did not. After 5months of being together, she got pregnant. Although she was pregnant, she didn’t feel that this was reason enough to stop drinking or smoking constantly throughout her entire pregnancy. Yaincoa has had asthma and chronic bronchitis all his life. When yaincoa was born she gave him as much as possible to Xavi’s mother to look after so that she would have her free time and her time with xavi. Xavi protested this, but she said it was normal. She would let Xavi’s mom stay up all night with yaincoa when he was a baby and was sick and she would sleep through the night in the other room. I have seen her throw herself on the floor hugging him in a grand and exaggerated gesture after being away from him for . . . . 2 days. I have seen her giving yaincoa to Xavi’s parents 4 weekends out of 5 because she works for 4 hrs on a Saturday and therefore for some reason chooses not to be with her son for the whole weekend. I have seen her leaving yaincoa with Xavi’s parent for practically every single one of her weeks during 3 months worth of summer holidays. She has tried to refuse to pick him up from us on various occasions when it is her turn to be with her son because he was sick and in her words ‘if he is sick he can stay with you’ (by sick I mean a cold, I don’t mean severe flu with fever when he should remain in bed). She has prohibited xavi from taking yaincoa to a Barcelona family football game one night of her week to hurt xavi without thinking in the pain it caused her son who loves Barca football club. I have seen her take her son to work with her and then leave him to wonder around the marina all by himself, 100 meters away from her, crossing the road alone, the same road where we witnessed a car almost hitting a child. We have had shared custody of yaincoa for 2 years and 4 months. Before that xavi only had part custody meaning that it was the responsibility of the wicked witch to take care of healthcare etc. Since gaining shared custody, Xavi has done everything possible to have his share of responsibility in every matter. She has never taken her son to the dentist in his whole life. He had to have fillings 2 years ago and actually had to have work done as far as the nerves due to the damage for all the crap he had eaten. Her response was that this was normal, he was a child. She has gone so far as to cancel 2 dentist appointments last year that fell in her week so that she didn’t have to go. In contrast xavi took him 3 times last year and twice this year. Yaincoa needed x Rays on his teeth as he may have needed braces. When he asked wicked witch to organise this (as xavi had done every other appointment) she refused. Her answer was ‘it is your thing, you know more about it than me, finish what you started’. It is not actually Xavi’s thing, it is about Yaincoa. Xavi took Yain to the dentist 3 days ago and yes, yaincoa needs braces. Wicked witch has still not asked how the appointment went or anything about the fact that her son needs braces. She forgot to get some of Yaincoa’s vaccinations done and he was in the health system as a girl which means that he was scheduled for the Papillion vaccination – a vaccination for girls only. Xavi had to fix this and get the missing vaccinations sorted out. She did not take yaincoa to the doctor for around 4 years (missing various appointments and check ups he needed to have for his age) and last year she just didn’t turn up for various appointments that fell in her week. In contrast xavi took yaincoa to 4 doctor’s appointments and twice to the doctor for his feet (I don’t know the name in English!). A year and a half ago we had to take yaincoa to the doctor as his weight had increased during summer holidays. The doctor told us that he was technically classed as being obese and gave us strict instructions to follow so that he could lose weight. We sent the information to wicked witch on 3 various occasions however she continues to order take away pizzas, buy chocolate croissants and give yaincoa chocolate waffles and ice creams without a second thought. She also feels that it is acceptable to give a growing child half and apple, a carrot or on one occasion, an ice cream for breakfast. When we ask her about this her answer is that her son is marvellous and that he is not obese. Despite us sending various notes from the doctor that he was obese and now thanks to our hard work he has dropped down to overweight. When you look at yaincoa he does not look overweight, he looks fine, but it is not all about how he looks, it is about giving him a healthy diet. Something we do our best to do and something she screws up every week by not following a word of the doctor’s advice. And yet she has the audacity to tell yaincoa he has a fat stomach and to then teach her (then 7 year old) son how to do sit ups. She has often let yaincoa leave the house without brushing his teeth and on various occasions she has put her jeans and t-shirts on him to wear to school (she in tiny, they fit him). She lets him sit in the front seat without his child safety seat and we have seen her doing wheel spins with the car due to pulling away so quickly. She has lied in front of him, she has made him lie for her and she has told him that his father is a big liar. She has not paid her half of the shared custody for more than 18 months owing thousands but she has bought him a play station, a Nintendo and x box – spoiling him unnecessarily. He has had problem with his behaviour in school and has bought home various bad report cards, but she does not punish him. Her response ‘he is just a child’. We do extra work with yaincoa almost every day to improve his grades, and they are now improving, she does nothing. She claims that her father abused her as a child and that her mother just accepted it. She explained to yaincoa that her parents died in an airplane crash. I don’t know the reason she lost contact with her 2 brothers and her sister. Despite making these claims about her parents, she has recently made contact with her family again, she moved flat to be closer to them and she is now leaving yaincoa in the same flat as her mother and father whilst she works. She refuses to be in the same room as her father, says he is an abuser, and then leaves her son there. She phones Xavi’s mother and calls her own mother a whore and then she leaves yaincoa with her.

For these reasons I do not simply dislike her. I will not say the word hate, but what I feel towards this woman is much more than dislike. She is not a nice person and as far as I am concerned she in not fit to call herself a mother. Being a mother is a lot more than simply giving birth to a baby. Being a mother is everything that she is not and will never be. On the few occasions I have said something to her about yaincoa her response has been simple “you are no one to me, don’t talk to me, you are not a mother”. Firstly, I didn’t have to be a mother to know that she was not doing things the right way, that she was not doing everything in the best way possible for the benefit of her son. Now that I am a mother, I am actually disgusted by her behaviour. When Emmeline is sick I want to be right there by her side to make her feel better. I would never dream of palming her off onto her grandmother, nor would I ever think to say that I don’t want to be with her if she is sick. I am her mommy and I want to make her feel better. When she has to go to the doctor, I will go with her, even if xavi could take her to every appointment, I would still go with her because I want to know exactly what is going on with my child. I will do everything possible to give my child a healthy diet and a healthy upbringing. I will push my child and help her as much as possible with her school work and her grades. I will do everything possible for my child.

I see this woman repeatedly doing what she can do hurt xavi without realising there hurt it causes her son. I see her not looking after his diet, not taking him to the doctor, not taking him to the dentist or the foot doctor, nor does she show any interest in any of these; she doesn’t push him to get better grades, she doesn’t pay his maintenance, she dresses him in her clothing, she put him in danger, she lies to him, in front of him and about him, and she leaves in the care of a man who she claims abused her and a woman she claims turned a blind eye.

I don’t think that I am being unfair in my feeling towards her. I think that not just any parent, but any person in my situation would feel the same as I do  . . . if not worse.