Emmeline baby girl we had a good day together today didnt we?

You woke up in such a good mood, which I have to say is a bit of a rare occurence! I know that is because you are generally tired, but still, you wake up like a demon some days.
Not today though, you had a big smile on your face, and you let me cuddle you and we had little eskimo kisses!!

Then you stole my peanut butter and jam sandwich! But you were so cute about it that I couldnt be angry at you.

Until I realised there was no more bread to make another one!

Then we went to baby bongo class. We were late to meet Melissa and Lucas, but whats new hey? You actually got ready pretty good today! And thankfully today you didnt fall off the bathroom counter!

The wind irritated you as usual so you held the hood of your jacket over your head the whole way there!
When we got to baby bongo, you were all shy. It is still so strange for me to see you that way considering how bolshy you are at home little Missy!! You sat on my lap for the first 5 minutes nots really participating and I was worried you wouldnt enjoy it or do anything, but then you went and got a tambourine and started 'jamming' especially to the rock and roll version of Twinkle Twinkle!! Some other little kid tried to steal the drums from you and then almost hit you on the head with a wooden instrument. Dont be offended though, he tried to hit me with it as well and I wasnt even doing anything.

After baby bongo we went for a coffee with the others and you walked to the park by yourself! You wanted to play in the park but it was freezing, not to mention raining, so i bribed you to sit down with an orange juice. That lasted as long as it took you to finish your juice and then you were demanding the park again. So off we went to play in the rain!! You climbing through this little hanging rope thing and i freaked that you were going to fall on your face, but baby girl, you did it without falling!!

We came home when you ran around the flat like you had been eating sugar straight from the jar and that naturally made nap time heaps of fun. While you were in your room, you were singing Twinkle Twinkle!! You couldnt remember all the words and you were trying to get your teddy bears to sing as well, but you did really well by yourself! I really wanted to come in there and give you a kiss to say well done!

You were a ball of energy this aftenoon and have been giving me plenty of hugs and kisses.

Emmeline you make me totally crazy, but you make my heart swell like it is going to explode.

Oh today is not a good day. I am like a monster. A hormone filled raging monster. I know it is my hormones and yet there appears to be nothing I can do about it. I have snapped at Emmeline all day long, I glowered at everyone in the supermarket, I was irritable that there could possibly be people in front of me at the post office (the nerve!). I hate when I am like this and yet I dont feel like I can change it. I try to relax, I try to breath, I try to think of something else. But NOTHING works. The only option that I actually have is to just try and shut myself away from people!

This is one of the things I dont like about the pregnancy. There are so many enjoyable things, and there are things that are not so enjoyable either, but this is just a pain in the arse for me and for everyone around me!

Let me just hope that for my benefit, and everyone else around me, my hormones have returned to normal tomorrow!

Growing a Penis

So I am growing a penis inside of me. I am having a boy and therefore I am growing a teeny little winky inside of me. This feels somewhat odd and strange.I know I will love my little boy just as much as my daughter, it is not a question of love, never has been.

The bottom line is that I am having a boy and that does kind of freak me out. I have a little girl, and I have always felt comfortable with that. Why? Well quite basically because I am a girl! I have a girl body, I have a girl head, I have girl feelings, I know what my little girl is going to go through. I played with dolls, made jewellery, had a badge making machine, played barbie, had my own little baby doll. I know how to play with my little girl because I was a little girl and I cannot wait to do those things with her.

Now for the boy part. I never had a winky, I have no idea what to do with one of those! When you change the nappy, does winky go up or does winky go down? I have visions of being sprayed by fountains of wee from my baby! Boys think different to us, plain and simple. It is not a myth, as far as I am convinced it is a fact! It is not Mars and Venus, some days I think we come from different solar systems. I am not going to know what he has got going on in his head, all those testosterone filled feelings, all that wounded male pride malarkey etc because I was never a boy. I don't know what goes on in their heads!! I have a step son so I have a bit of an idea. I tried playing cars and I am sorry, but how boring? Vroom, vroom, park. Airplanes - vroom, vroom, fly. Action man - kick, punch, fight. Robots - the same thing. Then there is the whole throwing rocks, chasing birds, playing football in the house (because isnt that the best place to play football?), fascination with cars, motorbikes, anything that goes fast or crashes or explodes, the dismantling / breaking things and the general destroying of all sorts of things. There is the wily fascination that starts from the minute they realise that there is something down there and lets be honest, never actually stops. So now I can prepare myself for a house full of ball shifting.

Lets face it, I don't get boys!

Now I have heard from several mothers that there are things you get from a boy that you don't get from a girl and this too I have seen in my step son. There is the protectiveness, the chivalry, the compliments etc. I have told boys can be mommies boys and girls are daddies girls. However I am still somewhat scared about having a boy. I worry so much that I am going to be a rubbish mother to a boy. I am sure that I will learn to be a mother to a boy, but that doesn't actually make me feel any better. I am still freaking out!

Attack of the crazy hormonal monsters

So, along with every pregnancy comes those dreaded little hormones. Now before I got pregnant, I will admit that I thought the whole hormonal pregnant woman thing was just something to make us laugh and cringe in the movies.

But then I got pregnant and yes, I got hormonal. I would feel them sometimes because I would feel angry inside for no reason, I would snap at the drop of a hat, I would cry at everything. Xavi told me i went from zero to dragon in seconds. Who me??? I then realised that the whole hormonal thing was in fact true!!! Crap! 

Here I am in my second pregnancy, and apparently the hormones are still here. They appear to have had so much fun with me the first time, that the decided to come party again this time! I am trying to deal with that and warn Xavi when I am feeling those hormones, but at times I dont even realise I am being hormonal. It feels like they are real and justified emotions and feelings.

But, if I thought my hormones were bad, then I was in for the shock of my life. I am part of a pregnancy forum, and two pregnancy pages on Facebook. I was part of the pregnancy forum during my first pregnancy and made some great friends whom I am still in contact with and who are more a part of my life than some of my other 'friends'. The facebook pages are a spin off of that forum. Well, the majority of these women are lovely, kind, caring, funny souls, but we have come across our fair few crack pots!

The first one we encountered was several months ago in the pregnancy forum. Someone expressed that they were not feeling happy at that time about being pregnant. Well, this hormonal mommy chose to jump all over this poor woman and basically tell her to get an abortion then. Now, how any one can say that to another person is beyond me. So I expressed my opinion in a very respectful way. Well, before I know it, this woman is jumping all over me in the forum, threatening to 'kick my ass' and even going so far as wish that someone actually lost their baby! I found that to be absolutely disgusting! That someone would sink to that kind of level, someone who was also pregnant and therefore experiencing the same emotions as you was incredible. But I also though she was one in a trillion. I couldn't decided whether this girl was a touch crazy or whether she had some serious hormonal issues going on!

Nope, not the only hormonal one. There were one or two more instances of quite frankly, childish, vindictive behavior. Again, was it the hormones, or were these girls just silly little girls??

Then another few instances of nastiness or hormones getting way out of control. A conversation about breastfeeding got particularly nasty with one mother practically wishing death upon those who did not breastfeed! Another mother basically decided that anyone who had the occasional little drink during pregnancy was abusing their child.

What was going on with these women? Haven't they ever heard of a difference of opinion. Do they not live in a world whereby people think and feel differently? Are the surrounded by people who simply say "Yes" all day long? OR were they struck by hormones turning them into crazy hormonal monsters??? I couldn't be sure.

Then came another. A, quite frankly, crazy woman showed up on one of our facebook pages. She started having a go at one of my friends for a previous conversation and then told her that she hoped her baby died. I piped up and before I know it, this woman is threatening to 'kick my ass' and wishing that my baby dies. Now what kind of person starts to wish miscarriage on people. Is it someone crazy? Is it someone vindictive and malicious? Is is someone uneducated? Because surely, it cannot be the hormones. Surely she was not a fairly normal person who had turned into a crazy hormonal monster???

Personally I have to tell myself that all these women I have just mentioned must be a little loony, because surely hormones cannot change someone that drastically?

Hormones make most women a touch crazy, angry, snappy, weepy and many more things. We dont trust ourselves or our emotions. Are we feeling something real, or is it the hormones talking. Did my boyfriend really do something wrong, or am I over reacting? Equally, did I really use a tone or is my boyfriend using my hormones as an excuse?? It is all very grey territory!! I find myself wishing these 9 months to go by quickly so that the next time I get angry, I am sure that I am justified and I dont just burst into tears! I want to read Harry Potter to my daughter without tearing up because Harry caught the snitch and everyone cheered him like a hero. I want to not get angry at the supermarket lady for packing my bag incorrectly. When I wake up feeling sad, I want to know why!! I want to regain control of me and my emotions again.
I want to say good bye to the crazy hormonal monster who tends to occupy my body these days and welcome back me!!

Today I pee'd on a stick

Yesterday I pee'd on a stick.

I thought I should sleep on it.

Today I went to a different pharmacy and I bought another little stick and I pee'd on that too.

Then I did nothing for a long while.

Then I went to yet a different pharmacy and bought yet another stick, which also got pee'd on.

They all agreed.

I am pregnant . . . .

. . . . . Again

I dont know why I am surprised? About 1 - 2 months ago, we decided to throw away the protection and try make number two. So why the shock? Why the 3 different pregnancy tests? Why do I keep double checking them every time I go to the toilet? It's not as though they are suddenly going to change and go "HA HA, tricked you!"

I guess it is because I expected it to take at least 3 - 4 months to make a goal, you know? I tried to think about having two and my brain just seemed to suddenly stop working and go snowy, like the tv at 4am in the morning. I will have to attempt that another day, when I have regained full use of my brain.

But now if I thought my reaction was one of shock, Xavi's was even 'better'! I went out and bought a tiny little grey baby body and a book of baby names. I called him into the room and gave him those little items along with a pregnancy test. He looked at these items, then looked at me confusion plastered all over his face. He asked me what they were for, to which I replied that I was pregnant. He paused, looked down and then up again and asked "Are you sure?". 

Hmmmmm, well the 3 sticks that I have pee'd on all seem to be sure. 

Then the really good question, "But how?"

Well now that would explain how we got into this little situation in the first place . . . . .

I gently tried to explain that this is generally the result when two people have unprotected sex. Followed by "well what did you think would happen my love?"

Although given the fact that days later and I would still be checking all 3 sticks to see if they had changed their minds, means that I am no better!!

The start of school

Emmeline has now officially started baby school! In Spain it is called guarderia, I don't know what the exact translation is, but I imagine it is something like creche or pre school. Whatever, it is the school that little one year olds can go to!

So today was her first day and therefore it was also my first day. I had totally mixed emotions about this. You see, for the whole short 13 months of little Emmeline's life, I have been with her every day pretty much all day. Xavi's parents live down the coast, so she is not with them very often, and my parents are not here that  all the time so she has not been with them very often either. Xavi works and I don't and so I am with her all day long. I was worried about leaving her with strangers without her mommy or her daddy as she is mostly only with us and not with other people. I have seen her reaction when I have left her with people she didn't feel comfortable with, and it broke my heart. I really hated the thought of her being in any kind of distress whatsoever! I didn't want to be away from her, I didn't want to miss out on time with her, I didn't want to not be there whenever she needed me. The thought of other people, strangers, being with her all morning and sharing things with her killed me. The thought of these other people sharing things with her for the first time or her doing some of those 'firsts' with them and not me . . . I didn't like it! 

But then there was the other side of it as well, the 'selfish' side. Really it is not selfish at all, but as a mother I am now realising that guilt is one of those emotions that we feel on a daily basis about all sorts of things that are relevant and mostly not relevant. I thought about the luxury of having a whole 3.5hrs to myself! All to myself! Well, until I find a job anyway!! 3.5 hrs doesn't sound like much now does it? What could you do in that time? How could you even call it a luxury? Well if you are a mother to a small child then you will know that an entire 3.5 hrs without a little one doing one or all of the following is an absolute luxury:

Either whinging or crying for no apparent reason other than they like the sound they can make

Trying to climb up your leg like you are some kind of a tree whilst you are washing the dishes

Screaming at you when, god forbid, you should close the bathroom door to have a wee

Throwing books at you to say "read mother, read" 

"Helping" you to unpack all the dish clothes or the pile of laundry that you have just folded

Slowly bringing you every single toy they own to show you

Or simply your own guilt when you haven't played with them as long as they want!!!!

3.5 Hours without this chaos seemed like a dream. I needed the break, I needed some time for me, I needed to be able to do my things without a million interruptions! Did I feel guilty about this? Hell yes!!

So along came day one. Knots in my stomach but trying to not let Emmeline feel this. The morning didn't go well, I was tired and therefore equipped with less patience then normal and she was being difficult. Not the best combination. So off we went to school. We got there are there were all the parents with their little ones, some coming to school for the first time, and some returning after the holidays. Noe of them looked too pleased. Emmeline looked somewhat overwhelmed by what was going on. Poor thing had no idea what I was about to do! I went over to where some nursery assistants were with some other little ones. One of them suggested I put Emmeline down with the other kids to see how she was. I put her down and she showed a slight interest in this other baby and I decided to choose this moment to leave. In hindsight I think it would have been better to actually say goodbye to her and let her see me go because as I got downstairs I had this horrible image in my head of Emmeline turning around to find me or come to me and I wasn't there. She wouldnt' be able to see me and she wouldn't know where I had gone. 

I walked away from the nursery and thought 'well ok, I am not crying, Great'. The Xavi phoned me to find out how it went and how I was. Well, out came the little slow running fountain of tears that I had been suppressing. I had to find a little doorway in the street to have a blub whilst I spoke to him! Then I spoke to my mom, explained how it went and blubbed some more! I aimlessly wondered around the supermarket waiting for the time to pass so that I could go and fetch my baby! Now the way that the nursery does it is that they recommend that you leave your baby there for a short amount of time the first day and each day you increase the time so that they can slowly get used to it. I had decided on . . . . half an hour! I know, it may seem a little or it may seem a lot depending on how you are looking at it! I had contemplated leaving her for only 15 minutes, but I knew that was just silliness! 

Finally half an hour passed by and I practically ran back to school to get Emmeline. Now I thought that the parents suffered on the first day, but you should think about the people working at the nursery. All I could hear were various children screaming, crying, howling for mommy and daddy, you name it! These poor girls would have a while day of this! Ouch! 

In I went and there was my little girl sitting on the floor with some other babies. She was not crying, but she also wasn't smiling! she looked confused and overwhelmed as if to say "what the hell is going on here?" Apparently she had cried for about 2 seconds after I left and that was it! So much for missing mommy! Ha ha ha ha!! When the nursery assistant bought Emmeline over my little girl leant over and gave mommy a lovely big hug! 

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!

Return of the 3am Stress

Oh someone help me please . . . I feel like the walking dead again! Emmeline, who has been sleeping through the night like a real champion has decided to throw me a curve ball regarding her sleep leaving me in a zombie like state and Xavi telling me on a regular basis that I should 'just go and sleep' due to the unpleasant character changes that come with my zombie like state.

I dont know what is happening with my child. She woke up one night screaming blue murder at 4 am, one night at 3am, last night at 1am. In the morning she wakes up like clockwork between 7:10am - 7:20am. I would love extra time in bed, but i have come to grudgingly accept that this is how it is going to be for years . . . .  However now little miss muppet has been waking up around 6:00am - 6:20am.

Did I mention that I am sooooooooo tired?????????

Being woken up suddenly at 4am by a screaming baby stresses me out in a big way, and I think it has aged be by about 10 years! I find it awful! It is wake up suddenly, hear screaming baby, wait thinking she will stop any second now, she doesn't, start to stress about waking up this whole side of the building as her window is open and all the sounds echos in the little interior patio outside her window, haul my dead weight body out of bed and tip toe to her room (although I don't know why, she is still screaming and probably wouldn't hear anything anyway!), get to her door and think "what the feck to do now?"

Do I:
a) sooth her from the doorway with some 'shhh' 'shhh's'?
b) go in and sooth her from next to her crib?
c) go in and pick her up to comfort her?
d) Dont go in at all and leave her to cry it out

I have tried all of them. None have really had much resounding success. If I sooth her from the doorway, she quietens down for a second and then starts up again. If I go in, she gets even more narky the minute I walk out. If I pick her up, she gets even more narky the minute that I put her back down. Leaving her to cry it out normally has the most success although some time she just gets even more worked up and screams so loudly I think that only animals can hear her.

Some nights I have tried it all and ended up sitting outside her room with my hands in my head going "I dont know what to do".

Why is she crying? Well it could be because:
a) She is scared of the dark
b) The nightlight is irritating her
c) She is hot
d) She is cold
e) She is teething
f) She doesn't feel good
g) She doesn't want to be alone
h) Some noise from outside woke her up and she is angry about it
i) All of the above
j) None of the above

Bottom line - I don't know.

Of course she is sleeping now. Oh yes! Morning nap and afternoon nap without fail, sometimes with more screaming at me and sometimes with less, but she always goes down.

So why, for the love of god, is she messing around in the evening again???

I can only hope that it is a phase , or it is in fact the mysterious teeth (she got 2 teeth months ago, and nothing since then. I think her mouth gave up at 2 teeth), and that she goes back to giving mommy some much needed sleep.

A well rested mommy is good for everyone in the house!!

Baby girl turns 1!!

Happy Birthday Emmeline!

1 Year already!

I remember my waters breaking (well, they kind of half broke, but anyway), I remember the pain of contractions passing through me for hours, I remember the sweet relief of the epidural, I remember the strangling motion the nurse made when she told the doctor that I had a prolapsed umbilical cord (cord coming out first and baby therefore possibly stopping the flow of oxygen). I remember being wheeled through hospital half naked with a strange women on top of me with half her arm inside of me to stop Emmeline coming any further down, and I remember the speed at which the many doctors in the surgery worked at getting tubes taken out and put in, and I remember being completely knocked out by medication not knowing the fate of my baby.

I remember waking up, feeling semi zonked due to pain medication and exhaustion and Xavi smiling at me asking if I wanted to meet someone. I remember the nurse bringing Emmeline over and putting her in my arms and positioning her to breastfeed. I was lying down and all I could think was "God, I hope she doesn't suffocate on my boob, she is lying face down". Those few days in hospital were a dream for me. We were in a perfect little bubble.

But the days flew by and they haven't stopped flying since then. I have watched her grown from a tiny little raisin into a destructive little angel! I have seen her going from this little thing that was totally immobile and confined to a life of laying on her back only being able to see 30cm in front of her face to being a mini person taking her first tentative steps and hitting mickey mouse for being in the TV. I have watched her grow and learn how to sit, how to roll, how to crawl and how to walk (almost). I have watched her learn to smile, to grin, to giggle, to laugh and to do funny things to you to make everyone laugh. I have watched her change from being fairly blase about who she was with to showing clear signs of joy when she sees us, to crawl up to us and hug our legs, to hold us and kiss us. I have also seen her throw her bowl on the floor in irritation, wriggle out of our arms in frustration and become far too independent and stubborn insisting on doing things herself!

I have watched the light of my life grow so much in one year and it scares the crap out of me. I seem to have this thing in my head that after one, everything goes by really quickly. I feel panicky sometimes and think it is all going to rush by now, like I am going to miss special moments, that as each year passes, it will be another year of her becoming more independent . . . from me! I know this is stupid and unreasonable, but I cant help it. There are still days when I cant believe that she is ours and that we get to keep her. No one is going to come and get her, she doesn't have to go. She gets to stay with us. I want to enjoy every minute I can with her and there are still many days that when she is in bed for the evening, I miss her.

I never believed anyone when they said the love you feel for your child is unlike any other, and now I know that I could never even try to explain it to someone. She is an angel, a light, a joy, a happpiness. I want to spend every moment I can with her and enjoy all the years that are still to come, waiting with baited breath for all the changes that are also coming, good and bad!

Emmeline, Happy Birthday, mommy loves you very much.
xxxxx

Lost and Found: My Self Confidence

A few months ago i tried on a dress and it looked awful. Whilst standing in the changing room with those special downcast lights purposefully designed to increase the shadows left by the bags under your eyes and accentuate every rise and fall of cellulite that you have slowly but surely accumulated over your life, I looked at my reflection and when "eeeuuuugggghhh". I didn't like what i saw. Then i started to think. I realized that for a lot of my life I have not liked my body. I have spent years criticising my arse, my hips, my thighs, my calves and my poor, poor stomach who get's the brunt end of it all. There was very little I liked and it had been this way for as long as i can remember, at least 15 years.

What a total bloody waste of time!

Years ago I couldn’t walk down to the beach for a swim without wrapping myself in my towel. Then I went traveling and gained my self confidence thanks to meeting some amazingly fantastic women who would be classed as larger/curvier/whatever who were filled with confidence and didn’t appear to care what others thought. I admired them and decided that I would much rather be like that instead if too afraid of someone criticizing my arse!

Then I got pregnant and it all changed. I felt great being pregnant and wasn’t so bothered about the fact that my belly ballooned to gigantic proportions. What I did notice was that any admiring glances once received were no longer received. It appears that a pregnant women is no longer viewed as sexy or attractive! Then I had emmeline and noticed that no one really admires a women carrying a baby or pushing a pram. It is like we have gone from being sexy, attractive women to simply being a mom. I have to say that this is not what we need! We already feel so bad about ourselves and out bodies that we don’t need to be made to feel even more undesireable. Once I had emmeline I found it hard to shift the weight. My appetite had not decreased perhaps because I was breastfeeding, perhaps simply because I am in love with food. I couldn’t do exercise because I was either too exhausted or because I was with her all day – no time for spining! I didn’t like my body, nor my newly acquired mummy tummy. As the months went by, I started to feel worse about my body and less confidence. It started to affect my life more than I liked. The first time I went to the swimming pool with emmeline I was so embarrassed as I only had a bikini and I was worried about my body and what people would think. When I went with some of the other mommies to a swimming pool, I was embarrassed again with my body. I was wearing big baggy clothing and not buying anything sexy as I didn’t feel it. Then while walking with emmeline one day, something in my head went “ping”. 5 Years ago I was bigger than I am today and I was super confident. Why not now? Why did I lose it? Simply because my tummy is even more flabby than before or because I put on a few extra kilos? Rubbish to that! I have every ‘right’ to be just a confident as the skinny minny with the washboard tummy across the road, every ‘right’ to wear skinny jeans and every ‘right’ to wear a fitted vest with confidence and without embarrassment. I found some of my self confidence again!

Now whilst I haven't liked my body since i was a teenager (sometimes more, sometimes less), it has always been constant. And I am not alone in this. Pretty much ALL women are not happy with how they look.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? What is wrong with us?

If our partners get a little tummy, we think it is cute, soft and cuddly. If they get one slightly tiny eye wrinkle we wouldn't even notice it. Grey hairs? Sophisticated. If the same things happens to us we are automatically placing ourselves on the lemon juice and cinnamon diet, rushing out to spend a months rent on wrinkle creams that probably wont make that much of a difference, and buying stocks in L'Oreal . . . because we are worth it!

It's Bullshit.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Perhaps partly because everyone else is! We are surrounded by messages and images about how we should look. I put on the TV and Brooke Shields is telling me how much younger she now looks using product x, Jennifer Lopez is telling me how amazing her hair now looks since she started to use product x, Jessica Alba's face is now flawless due to product x and Scarlett Johannsen smells fantastic due to using product x. I go into a shop to try and buy a pair of knee high boots. Now if your calves (like mine) are not dainty little twigs, you are screwed and the zips don’t go all the way up. So off I go to buy some clothing to perk myself up. I pop into H&M and I am a Medium. On a high I pop over to Mango or Zara and discover that a Large or X Large only just about squeezes over the hills and mountains of my hips and breasts. Defeated I leave. I want to grab a coffee from Starbucks, but feel like i am being a pig if I order a big coffee and milk and not a skinny, decaf, no milk, no sugar, no skim, no fat, no froth, coffee that has no calories and is actually just air. So I grab a magazine to have a quick read on the bus on the way home. Page one tells me all about Jordan's antics (honestly, I don't care, this is no longer news. News would be when Jordan has a marriage that lasts or spends a night in). Page 5 tells me GLEEFULLY how Kate Moss has cellulite. This is aimed to make us mere mortals feel better, more normal and accepted. Page 8 tut tuts that some poor B lister has "let herself go" and is now up to a size 14-16. Page 10 is shocked, worried and concerned at how much weight Misha Barton has lost. Page 11 thinks Misha Barton is fat. Page 15 claims someone has slimed down to a "curvy" size 10. Page 18 tells us Katie Holmes is pregnant because her washboard flat stomach has a pea sized bulge or because she is wearing a floaty shirt. Page 25 mockingly shows us celebrities without makeup and page 28 blows us Katy Perry's zit so that is takes up the whole page. And it has been circled just incase we didn't realize what we were looking at.

We are totally screwed!

Magazines aimed at women are ALL about size and image criticizing us for being too small, criticizing us for being too big, mocking women who have cellulite or criticizing them when they don’t wear make up. Are we all just a big bunch of bitches or is this some kind of conspiracy theory manufactured by the beauty industry to get us to keep spending all out money like a bunch of idiots with all this crap to make ourselves 'look better'.

The truth is that there is no perfect anything or anyone. Pick the person that you think is perfect and ask them if there is anything they don’t like about themselves, and I guarantee you they will have at least one thing they don’t like . . . even if it is just their earlobes! Go down to the beach and take a look around, we come in all shapes and sizes, filled with perfections and imperfections. We will still find and keep friends, we will still find and keep partners, we will still fall in love and have people fall in love with us. But For some bizarre and unexplained reason we appear to be programmed to not be happy with ourselves. If you want to try to make a change to yourself for health reasons then go for it, but please, not because Cosmopolitan say so!!

It’s just NOT worth it. 

Court papers from the other mother

I have a good life, one which I thoroughly enjoy. But it tends to be somewhat of a rollercoaster ride most of the time. Some of this rollercoaster is due to factors that many other people also experience; money problems, selling a house, family highs and lows etc. But I have an added factor that not all people have, a special and unique factor that is a constant thorn in my side. This thorn is also known as the other mother, or the wicked witch. I wonder sometimes how my life would be without her and the many little surprises she throws our way. Normal I imagine!

For example, one Friday afternoon a few weeks ago I was busy getting Emmeline ready to go to the swimming pool when the doorbell went. I looked through the peep hole and seriously considered not opening the door to the rather serious looking gentleman outside, but when he buzzed again I decided that he wasn’t selling life insurance and really did want one of us and so I opened up. 5 minutes later I was closing the door with court papers in my hand for xavi from the other mother! Definitely not life insurance then.

So I tore open the envelope and had a quick read through it, which turned out to be not so quick as it was a legal document in Spanish! But I got the gist of it and boy did it make me laugh and infuriate me at the same time! It made me laugh because the things she claimed just made her sound like such a victim – something she does all the time! But infuriating because these same claims were actually lies about Xavi, blatant, blatant lies!

I immediately got on the phone to Xavi. I told him about the papers but he was all calm about it and told me not to stress and that he would have a look at it when we got home. Ok, not what I needed, I needed to bitch about it in English! So I got on the phone to my mom and had a good old bitch about it!

So what were the court papers all about? Well the other mother has asked for a modification for the shared custody papers. What modification? Well, currently they each have to deposit 200eu into Yaincoa’s account to pay for his school fees, school books, extra medical expenses etc. Well the other mother doesn’t want to pay anything at all now. Nothing. Zero. Nada! She wants Xavi to pay everything. Why? Apparently she doesn’t have enough money. She used to own a company, she doesn’t anymore because it went bust, and when it went bust she was in about 20,000euros or so of debt. So instead of sorting it all out, she didn’t and it is now at the point where the government automatically take out a portion of her salary every month (‘Embargo’ in Spanish). We already have a court order against her for not paying her share of this maintenance for more than two years, and the court ruled that when her current embargo’s are finished, they will start a new embargo for the maintenance money. She now owes around 5000 eu to the account. This embargo could and probably will only occur in several years time. Probably when yaincoa is in high school or starting bloody university!

So anyway, she says she doesn’t have enough to pay her maintenance. Now on paper this may be the case. Salary of 1000eu, rent of 675eu. Where would you find another 200eu for child maintenance and then buy food, clothing, mobile phones etc? Sounds bad huh? Except that we are pretty convinced that she gets cash in hand for some of her hours she works. She drives a car everywhere (petrol costs more than metro), I am sure that she eats at least one meal a day in the restaurant by her work (plus coffees etc), she naturally has brown, curly hair but recently changed it to blonde and straight – how much does that cost in a hairdresser? And she bought Yaincoa a 360eu X Box and possibly the 150eu Kinect for Christmas. She always walks around done up from head to toe in clothing that is certainly not from H&M. Now is it just me or does that not exactly sound like someone who is down and out in the money dumps? And seriously, if you had to pay maintenance for your child but things were slightly tight, would you not pack yourself a sandwich to take to lunch every day to save money? Or get the metro? Or not have a complete hair overhaul that has got to have cost hundreds? Or perhaps find a second job during the weeks that you didn’t have your child?

The other thing that strikes me as bizarre is this. After receiving our original court order for not paying, she started to deposit 90eu a month for her son (as advised by her lawyer). She has done this for 5 months. So, if she had been depositing this money for 5 months, and nothing has changed in her financial situation, why can she suddenly not pay one cent?

Apparently the solution is to try and get the daddy to pay for everything. Until yaincoa was 6, she had full custody, therefore xavi paid her 300eu every month and he obviously had his visitation with Yaincoa. She paid for everything else, how it is when someone has custody. However in the eyes of the other mother she paid everything all by her lonely little self. She doesn’t remember this 300eu that paid for school, she doesn’t remember that it was her choice to have a private doctor for him, she doesn’t remember that when xavi had him every single weekend, he paid for everything necessary during this time with his son. So there is a big part of me that is sure that she is doing this as revenge as so many of her emails from the last 2 years are filled with statements of ‘I paid everything, now you pay everything. You owe me a lot of money’

Our lawyers have gone to her lawyers and offered that she pays 150eu and Xavi pays 200eu. She said no.

Our lawyers then went to her lawyers and offered that she pays 100eu and Xavi pays 250eu. She said no.

Our lawyers then went to her lawyers and offered that she pays 70eu and xavi pays 250eu. Looks like she has said no.

Why have we made so many offers? Because on paper the personal tax paper they have order that xavi shows to show his earnings for 2009 (2010 hasn’t been done yet) show that he has earned quite a lot. It was a good year yes, every other year shows half or one third of that amount. And he has about 3 times the outgoings as she does.

So what will we do now? We will go to court and we will fight. We will show everything we can to show that we are not in the best position and whilst we have no problem accepting that we pay more, we will fight so that she has to pay something, anything for her own child! What are our chances? Well it probably depends on what kind of judge we get! Worst case scenario is that we have to pay all school costs, medical costs and court costs. Best case is that she has to pay something!! Even though we may lose, we want to fight, we want to give it everything we can and we don’t just want to lie down and accept what she says simply because she is a bitter cow. I am slightly optimistic, but not hugely as the law is still so unfair to fathers. Just the other day a man got denied shared custody of his child because he lost his job. And yet here we have a mother who does nothing for her child and is claiming that she cannot pay for him however there is no danger of her losing her shared custody.

I don’t know, but I am hoping for the best.